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周末一笑: 离婚(转载)

(2016-09-09 14:18:41) 下一个

1 离婚/Divoce

A husband and wife, both 91, stood before a judge, asking for a divorce. "I don't understand," He said, "Why do you want a divorce at this time of life?" The husband explained "Well, you see, we wanted to wait until the children died."

有一个丈夫和妻子都是91岁，他们站在法官面前，要求离婚。“我不明白，”法官说，“你们为什么到了这把年纪还要离婚?”丈夫解释道：“嗯，你要知道，我们以前是要等到孩子们都死了。”

2 没学会花钱

A friend was trying to encourage his elderly mother to enjoy the money, she had accumulated through frugal living. "Mother," he said, "you have enough money to last you until you're a hundred."

"And then what'll I do?" she replied.

一位朋友试图劝他的年老的妈妈要享用钱，她通过节俭的生活攒下了钱。“妈妈，”他说，“你有足够的钱能让你用到一百岁。”

“到了一百岁又该怎么办？”她回答。

3 我需要器官移植

The patient is adamant. "Doc, I need a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a heart transplant, a cornea transplant, a spleen transplant, a pancreas trans. . ." "What makes you think you need all these?" Well, replied the patient, "My boss said if I wanted to keep my job I needed to get reorganized."

这个病人显得很坚决。“医生，我需要做肝脏移植、肾脏移植、心脏移植、角膜移植、脾脏移植、胰腺移植和……” “你为什么认为你需要做这么多移植手术?”病人回答：“哦，是这样，我的老板说如果我这个人不重新组装的话，就别想保住我的工作!”

4 我的资产现在已被冻结

My cousin always "borrows" money from her older brother's piggy bank, which drives him crazy.

One day, she found the piggy in, of all places, the refrigerator.

Inside was this note: "Dear sister, I hope you'll understand, but my capital has been frozen."

我表妹总是从她哥哥的小猪扑满里“借钱”，她哥哥对此事感到很愤怒。

一天，她找遍所有的地方在冰箱里找到了扑满。

扑满里有张纸条：“亲爱的妹妹，我希望你能够理解，我的资产现在已被冻结。”

5 真扫兴/The thrill is gone

About two weeks before our fifth anniversary, my husband asked me what I would like for a gift. I told him I wanted something impractical and romantic.

On our anniversary, he presented me with a lovely gold bracelet. "A little four-letter word made me get this for you," he said softly.

"Oh, how sweet," I whispered. "L-O-V-E?"

"No," he replied. "S-A-L-E."

我们结婚五周年前大约两周时，我丈夫问我喜欢什么礼物。我告诉他我要那些没有实用价值却又富于浪漫色彩的。

在我们的周年纪念日那天，他向我展示了一副可爱的金手镯。“一个小小的四字词，让我为你买了这个。”他温和地说。

“哦，多甜蜜。”我耳语他。“L-O-V-E（爱）?”

“不对，”他回答。“S-A-L-E.（处理）”

6 陪审团主席/The Foreman's Position

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p. m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.

The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited.

After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well, have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

在一个小城市，一位法官正在审理一起酒后驾车案件。被告不仅有过酒后驾车的记录，而且声誉也不是太好，现在只是缺少一个陪审团作出裁决。因为已经接近下午四点，找个陪审团来会耽误很多时间。因此，法官宣布休庭后，就到外面随便挑选了一些人来充当陪审团。他发现大厅刚好有12个律师，便请求他们充当陪审团。

律师们认为这将会是一次新奇的经历，因此，便跟随法官回到了法庭。不到10分钟，案子就已接近尾声，因为被告明显是有罪的。陪审团回到陪审室进行商议，法官就等着宣布结果，马上回家。每个人都在等待着。

大概过了3个小时，法官已经彻底失去了耐心，便派法警去看看判决为什么耽误了这么久。当法警回来后，法官问他：“怎么样？他们是否作出了最后的判决？”

法警摇摇头说：“判决？天啊，他们为了推选陪审团主席，还在进行演讲呢！”

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