岁末心情

圣诞刚过，新年的脚步已在门外徘徊，2009将要成为过去，2010年就在眼前。在这除旧迎新的岁末，打点自己的心情，怎么也找不到小时候常有的那种兴奋、盼望、雀跃和对未来的憧憬。

都说喜新厌旧是人之本性，但于我却是年纪越大，越是恋旧。这几天收拾书柜衣柜，好像在细数我几十年漂泊的脚印。占了半个书柜的旧书，自从我有了第一间蜗居起就一直陪伴着我，在那间住了八年的十五平米的小屋里，它们挤占了年轻少妇的衣橱；它们随着我飘到南洋，又飞到北美，二十多年来搬了无数次家，扔掉了许多东西，没舍得扔它们。《忏悔录》读了不只一次，每次读都有新的体会；《唐诗三百首》、《历代词萃》、《古文观止》是我精神的依托，无论什么时候翻开它们，都能享受到巨大的精神愉悦；如果说普希金的《叶甫盖尼·奥涅金》唤起少女时的我如塔吉雅娜那样的对爱情的憧憬，那么《安娜·卡列尼娜》，《复活》、《包法利夫人》让我对爱情有了更多的思考。捧起每一本书，慢慢地翻，感觉翻的不仅是书页，还有初读它们时的心情。随着岁月的流逝，情感从稚嫩到成熟，这些书是我人生的良师益友，我怎舍得丢弃。

衣橱里挂满了各色服装，从八十年代初直到如今，跨度居然达三十年之久。其中还有我在84年自己缝制的一条碎花布三节裙，那时我的腰围只有一尺八寸（市尺），白衬衫掖在裙子里，大大的下摆，走起路来裙裾飘飘，更显出腰身细细身材娉婷，曾引来很高的回头率。这条裙子是我年轻时美丽过的见证，看见它便想起了那逝去的芳华。有趣的是，几年前又流行三节裙，我把它拿出来，把腰身改大了些，居然还能穿，效果还不差呢，遂相信那种服装潮流二十年一个轮回的说法，愈是舍不得扔旧衣服了。

床上的被罩也是旧物，也有二十多年了，淡淡的苹果绿，薄得已经可以看到里面的被面的颜色了，但是柔软舒适熨帖到极致，经过几十年与肌肤的磨合，早已到达至轻至柔的境界，不是破得不能用了，我是断断不舍得换的。

不仅是恋旧物，对于过去的人和事的追忆也愈来愈频繁。怀疑自己是不是真的到了人生的某个阶段，更多的是回忆过去而不是憧憬未来。2010年会是什么样子，想得不是太多。

 

[stillthere]

美
文。

欣
赏。　

共
鸣。

[jnr]

"Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence." – Psalm 21:6

As a great wave rises from the deep
to wash away the scratches on the sand, come, O God,
to dissolve forever in your sea of peace
my cares, my fears, my worries, and my anxieties.

As the blessed blackness of a quiet night comes
to blanket from my sight the cluttered collection of
billboards, buildings, and power poles
until my eyes see only bright stars,
so come, O God, and blot out this day's dreary
and weary accumulations of daily irritations, hurts, dents,
and disappointments until I see only your goodness
shining in the shadows.

As an explosion of happy sunshine brings a joyful glow
to dark corners, so come, O God, and explode your bright joy
into the gloomy corners of my mind.

As a great victorious general awakens his battalions
with a trumpet blast, and rallies his retreating army
with renewing power, so come, O Lord, and awaken me
to "rise up, be done with lesser things, to give heart,
soul, mind, and strength to serve the King of Kings."

As the spring rain gently, patiently, irresistibly falls
to soften the hard crust of frozen ground until it can receive
fruit-producing seed, O God, may showers of your love
soak in to soften the cold corners of my heart,
allowing creative new life to break forth.

As a happy fountain leaps jubilantly and tumbles joyfully,
come, O Holy Spirit, to transform my melancholy mood
until my heart erupts in joy and happiness.

O Father, make my life a melody like that of a great wave,
a calm night, a morning sun, a spring rain, a happy fountain!

Amen.