老大的幽默小品文《我的一生》

我的一生

当我从商店被买走的时候，我一点都不害怕，相反，我甚至还有点高兴。因为我终于等到机会可以去毁掉某个倒霉蛋的生活了，哈哈。所以，当我终于，终于给吃掉的时候，你可以想见，我早已准备好去那个家伙的胃里大干一场了。

我做的第一件事是让他的嘴巴像着了火一样。我知道这时候，喝水也无济于事。他将会遭受第一轮痛苦。接着，当他试图把我快速吞下去的时候，我会保证他的喉咙将比他的嘴巴更难受。尽管我看不见，但我相信热辣辣的眼泪会从他的眼睛里流出来。

往食管走的路上，我确保我的下滑会让他吃点小小的苦头：这种难受谈不上伤害，但足以让他在吃完我几个小时之后还有那种怪怪的不舒服的感觉。

我决定开始全面出击，在他的胃里开展大规模的破坏行动。我在胃壁上涂满了炽热的香料。这一次，我不打算放过任何一个角落，这能让他的胃疼上一整天。可千万别可怜他！

几个小时以后，我终于被迫离开了那里--不过无所谓，他走向卫生间的路途将举步维艰。而且，你等着瞧吧，他在马桶上至少得坐上两个小时。

我知道我会死。不过，人生自古谁无死呢？所以，我死之前，一定也得让这个毁灭了我生命的家伙，受点小罪，然后我就可以快乐地离开这个世界啦。

现在你猜到我是谁了吗？我就是一个红辣椒。希望你就餐愉快哦！

（注：这篇是命题作文，老大的中文课老师让她写篇作文，用上5个人体的器官名词。老大遂成此戏文。03/13/2021）

My Life

When I was first bought from the store, I wasn’t scared. In fact, I was happy that I finally had the chance to ruin some poor kid’s life. So, when I was finally, finally eaten, you bet that I was ready to wreak havoc on this poor guy’s stomach.

       First thing I did was make sure his mouth was set perfectly on fire. I knew that at this point, water wouldn’t help. He would suffer in pain for the REST OF THE DAY. Then, as he attempted to swallow in a futile attempt to get rid of the burning pain that was me, I made sure that he choked so that I would make his throat feel worse than it already was. Although I couldn’t see it, I was confident that his eyes were watering from the heat.

       On the way down his esophagus, I slide down carefully in such a way that it would feel like his chest was just mildly uncomfortable. Not enough to hurt, but enough so that even a couple of hours after he finished eating, he would STILL feel that weird, uncomfortable feeling.

       In his stomach was when I first decided to spread out and start the mass destruction. I painted the stomach lining with burning-hot spice. This time, I wouldn’t miss any spot. I would make sure this guy’s stomach hurt the whole day. No mercy for him!

       A couple of hours later, and I was finally being forced out of the stomach. That was okay, though. His trip to the bathroom would be complete hell. I would make sure he sat on that toilet for TWO HOURS.

       I knew I would die. I mean, in the end, doesn’t everyone die? But before I die, I have to ruin at least one person’s life. Then I can die happy.

       Can you guess what I am? Yeah, I’m a red pepper. Hope you have a nice meal J!