4月23日记忆

On April 23, a security incident happened at the place my friends and I often visit during our lunch time.

I returned to the office just before it happened. As soon as I heard the news, I let my family know I was fine. And then, I searched and checked the online status of my friends at work. Most of them are available or busy, while some were away or offline. I calculated the length of their away time and confirmed they were not caught in the incident. All is good, everyone is safe.

I kept myself busy till I reached home after work. I searched online trying to figure out how close I was to that  incident. Soon, I found the picture of a victim surrounded by the crowd, and the background matched my familiar buildings, benches and trees. This was the last straw. It finally hit me deeply. I was soaked with numerous questions. Who are the victims? How scary and painful was it for them? Have they all suffered too much? How are their families doing? What if I did not return to the office early enough? I felt like I was in a dream, a nightmare, and everything started appearing surreal. It was the same feeling I had when hearing an air plane crash and bursting out crying.

As soon as I noticed this feeling, I decided that I had to get myself out of it. I need to practise my skills of coping with sadness and fear. I shut down the laptop and forced myself to multitask. After a while, I realized that that feeling cannot be ignored. I had to think things through and some pep talks were definitely required.

Where do the fear and sadness come from? They are from picturing the incident and trying to experience the pain of others.

What is the purpose of picturing and experiencing the incident? Hm…not sure, probably unconsciously.

Is it a habit? When and how did you develop it? Not sure, but I will think about it.

What exactly in this incident makes you sad and fearful? It reminds me that anything can happen at any time, at anywhere, to anyone.

Did you just realize this now? No. It is always like that and lots of incidents are unpredicatable.

Is this what you want to or you can change? No, it is out of anyone’s control.

Is this incident the most horrible one ever happened in the past or one that will happen in the future?  Not really. We live with all kinds of disasters: manmade, natural, weather, industrial, and so on. And sometimes, it causes more pain and claims more lives. There are all types of incidents happening at any given time. They are happening both outside and inside of us. Not long ago, a colleague, who likes travelling and laughing out loud, who said "See you tomorrow" at the end of day, never returned to work due to a heart attack.

So what would you do about it? For things or power out of control, I need to learn to live with them. Uncertainty is part of life. It may cause fear but also makes life engaging. Life without surprises becomes a torture. Surprises could be happy ones or sad ones, of course, and it is fair enough.

What do you think this incident makes so many people so terrified? There is another layer of issues in this incident. It is not a random accident, but an intentional attack. It broke our sense of safety, our confidence in the city, and more important, the trust we put in the world and in each other. Almost all five levels of needs, included in Maslow's hierarchy, are challenged in this incident.

What were the major causes of this attack? There were so many, but the conflicts of beliefs and religions could be an important one. Religious wars have started hundreds of years ago, and they will be ongoing and continuous. It seems religious conflicts are not manageable or very difficult to manage. As many scholars suggested, different religions actually carry the same message: the ultimate intelligence of living. All roads lead to Rome. Then why have there been so much disagreement and misunderstanding? When, where and how did it start? Will it ever come to an end? It may take centuries or even longer to settle down.

Lastly, and the most important part, any observations or comments on the positive side of the incident? During and after the incident, there are so many people volunteered to look after victims and to assist the police. Strangers became team mates right on the spot. There was a women bravely stopped all coming cars to protect an injured victim; there were a mom and her children offering bottle water to passing by volunteers. In addition, the police and health professionals arrived at the spot very quickly to support all victims. The police officer who arrested the attack suspect is a true hero.

After the pep talks, I was able to return to my normal life, but with more thoughts and questions about fear.

Fear is a very common emotion and it is generated when we feel there is pain or danger. We can have fear about things, about people, about activities. There are fear of water or height, fear of losing loved ones, fear of driving or public speaking, fear of aging and death, and so on. Fear is to protect us from being hurt, but fear itself can actually hurt us also. Like everything and anything, overdose of fear is harmful, and sometimes it could be deadly.

If the birth of fear cannot be controlled, we have to learn to manage it.There is a children's book about fear and anxiety. It says anxiety is like a plant and the negative thoughts is the water. The key to winning is that you do not water the plant too often. A specific amount of time (i.e. 15 minutes before bed time) can be set aside to let the fear vent.  And during the day, fear should be monitored and controlled.

Jaggi Vasudev has also commented on fear. To manage one's fear, he or she only needs to do one thing: stop putting into any effort. Constantly checking and feeling the fear, one spends considerable amount of time and energy. It is like you tried your very best to produce a scary movie. "But you are the only audience, and you do not make any money out of this movie".

Based on my past experiences, fear is a valid and very intense feeling. It cannot be managed without our acknowledgement. After we accept it, some thinking and talking may be able to do the trick. If not, we have to leave it to the hands of time, which would be the best cure. After all, there are still certain types of fears that just cannot be managed what so ever, then we simply need to accept the fact and live with them.

When I returned to work the next day, the street was dead: shops were closed, parking lots were empty, no traffic, no pedestrains. The feeling of fear, sadness and helpless started to grow again. Before my tears falling down, I needed to practise the same coping skills till the end of day.

Two days later, I took myself back to the square where the incident has happened. I stood there feeling the breeze and watching the buildings, trees, benches, people. I wrote on the memorial boards for victims "Love and Peace".  

Several days later, I accompanied a co-worker visiting that square. He commented that we were walking on the same place where several victims falled and died. I responded "Yes, we are standing on the same floor tile that the body of a victim lied on. And we are breath in the same air that breathed in and out by that one and other victims, and by millions and thousands of people who ever lived and left..."

Everything needs to return to normal. My sadness and fear are over and well buried.