回应正在生气的孩子的正确方法(中英双语)

                           

When children get upset, the cannot be reached by reasoning. When angry, they respond only to emotional balm.

当孩子烦躁不安时，讲道理是没有用的。他们生气时，只有情感上的安慰，他们才听得进去。

Dr. Haim G. Ginott

文/海姆·G·吉诺特

 

Two young siblings, were playing in the basement. Suddenly a noise of destruction, followed by shouting and accusations, was heard. Red with anger, Billy, age six, ran up the stairs and blurted out, “Betsy knocked over my fort.” His mother sympathized: “Oh-h-h-h,that must have made you very angry.” It sure did.” He turned around and went back to play.

一对兄妹在地下室玩，突然传来什么东西被毁坏的声音，随后就是喊叫声和指责声。六岁的比利从楼梯上来，气得满脸通红，他一上来就脱口叫道：“贝特西把我的堡垒撞翻了。”他的妈妈同情地说：“哦——那你一定非常生气了。”“我是很生气。”他转过身继续回去玩了。

This was the first time Billy’s mother managed not to get involved in her children’s daily scraps. By not asking the fatal question “Who started it?” she avoided her son’s usual recital of grievances and requests for revenge. By mirroring his immer mood,she avoided the disagreeable role of becoming judge, prosecutor, and law enforcer to her children.  　　

这是比利的妈妈第一次试着没有卷入孩子们的日常争吵中。她没有问那个最具破坏性的问题：“谁先引起的？”这样就避免了儿子讲述冤情和要求报仇。通过真实地反应儿子内心的情绪，她避免了成为孩子们的法官、检察官、执法人这些不讨好的角色。

In the following episode, a mother’s empathic comment made a difference between peace and war. Nine-year-old David did not want to go the dentist. He was angry and irritating his older sister, Tina, who said to him, “Oh, David, grow up!” David became angrier and nastier.　　

在下面的事例中，一位母亲同情的评论使得和平与战争成为一线之隔。九岁的大卫不想去看牙医，他很生气，激怒了他的姐姐蒂娜，她对他说：“噢，大卫，长大点！”大卫更生气了，行为变得更加令人讨厌。

Her mother turned to Tina and said, “David is upset today. He’s worried about his visit to the dentist. Right now he needs all our consideration.” As if by magic, David quieted down. He went to the dentist without further complaints. By responding to David’s upset feelings, rather than to his irritating behavior, Mother made it possible for him to feel more relaxed and thus less obnoxious.　　

她的妈妈对蒂娜说：“大卫今天很烦，他担心去看牙医。现在他需要我们所有人的体谅。”就好像变魔法一样，大卫马上安静下来，他去看了牙医，没有再抱怨。妈妈的回应是针对大卫烦躁的心情，而不是他让人讨厌的行为，这使得大卫感到放松多了，因此也就不再那么讨厌了。

This vignette contrasts two ways of helping small children defuse their anger and tolerate frustration. One escalates the anger: the other diminishes it.

在这个小事件里，帮助孩子平息怒气和遭受挫折的两种方法正好形成对照，一种是使怒火更盛，一种是消除怒气。

Tom and his friend Jim, both three-year-olds, were playing with toy xylophones. When Jim’s hammer got stuck, he got angry and started to cry. His mother admonished him: “That’s no reason to carry on. I won’t fix it until you stop screaming.” Jim continued to cry and his mother took away his toy. The resulting temper tantrum was a sight to behold.

汤姆和他的朋友吉姆，两个人都才三岁，他们在玩玩具木琴。吉姆的音锤卡住了，生气地哭了起来。他的妈妈警告他说：“你没有理由大哭大闹的，我不会给你修音锤，除非你停止尖叫。”吉姆继续哭闹，于是他的妈妈拿走了玩具。这一下，吉姆大发脾气，场面颇为壮观。

                                        

In contrast, when Tom’s hammer got stuck, and he started to cry, his mother said to him, “You’re crying because the hammer is stuck. We need to fix it.” The crying stopped. Now whenever the hammer gets stuck, Tom no longer cries, but brings it to his mother to fix.　　

与吉姆的例子形成对照的是，汤姆的音锤也卡住了，他也哭了起来，他的妈妈对他说：“你哭是因为音锤卡住了，我们需要修好它。”哭声停止了。现在，无论什么时候音锤被卡住，汤姆都不会再哭，而是拿过去让妈妈修理。

Jim’s mother scolded, threatened, blamed, and punished while Tom’s mother defined the problem and suggested a solution.　　

吉姆的妈妈用的方法是漫骂、威胁、责备和惩罚，而汤姆的妈妈则是指出问题所在，然后给出解决问题的建议。

　　Miriam, age twelve, returned from the theater disgruntled and angry:

　　米里亚姆十二岁，从剧院回来后，心情不佳，很生气：

　　MOTHER: You look unhappy.

　　妈妈：你上去好像不开心。

　　MIRIAM: I’m furious! I had to sit so far back that I couldn’t see anything of the play.

　　米里亚姆：我非常生气！我坐得很靠后，根本什么也看不到。

　　MOTHER: No wonder you’re upset. It’s no fun when you sit so far back.

　　妈妈：怪不得你不高兴，坐得那么靠后就没什么意思了。

　　MIRIAM: It sure wasn’t. Besides, there was a tall guy sitting in front of me.

　　米里亚姆：当然没有。而且，有个高个子家伙就坐在我前面。

　　MOTHER: That’s adding insult to injury. All the way back and behind a tall person! That’s too much!

　　妈妈：那更是雪上加霜了，一直坐在后面，还有个高个子挡在你前面！那真是够糟了！

　　MIRIAM: It sure was.

　　米里亚姆：确实够糟。                          

The helpful ingredient in Miriam’s mother’s response was her acceptance of Miriam’s mood without criticism or advice. She did not ask unhelpful questions. Such as, “Why didn’t you go earlier to get a better seat?” or “Couldn’t you ask the tall man to change seats with you?” She concentrated on helping her daughter diminish her anger.

米里亚姆妈妈的回答中，有帮助的地方是她没有批评米里亚姆，也没有提意见，只是接受女儿的情绪。她并没有问任何无用的问题，例如“你怎么不早点去选一个好一点的位置呢？”或者“你不能请那个高个子跟你换一下座位吗？”她关注的是如何帮助女儿消除愤怒的情绪。

An empathic response that mirrors to children their upset feelings and expresses the parents’ sympathy and understanding is effective in changing children’s angry moods.　　

父母作出直接反映孩子不安情绪的、具有移情作用的回应，表达父母的同情和理解，这对于改变孩子的愤怒情绪是很有效的。

The written word can be a powerful tool for restoring damaged feelings that result from angry outbursts. Both children and parents need to be encouraged to express their feelings in writing, be it an e-mail or a letter.

在发完脾气之后，写在纸上的话也可以成为修复受伤情感的有力工具。不管是父母，还是孩子，我们都鼓励他们把自己的感情、想法写下来。

One evening, thirteen-year-old Trudy hurled insults at her mother, accusing her of going into her room, unlocking her desk, and reading her diary. When she realized that her suspicion was groundless, Trudy decided to apologize in writing:

一天晚上，十三岁的特鲁迪大声地怒斥妈妈，指责妈妈进入她的房间，打开她的抽屉，翻看她的日记。当她发现她的怀疑毫无根据时，特鲁迪决定写信向妈妈道歉：

Dear Mom, I have just committed the worst crime a moral person can commit. I made my mother unhappy and miserably upset with my accusation. I’m ashamed and humiliated. I used to feel good about myself but now I hate myself. I love you, Trudy　　

亲爱的妈妈，作为一个讲道德的人，我刚才犯了一个非常严重的错误。我指责妈妈，使妈妈伤心、痛苦。我觉得非常羞愧，非常丢脸。以前我一直对自己感觉良好，可是现在我讨厌自己。我爱您。——特鲁迪

Trudy’s mother was upset when the note made her realize that the incident shattered Trudy’s positive self-image. She took time to compose a letter that would restore Trudy’s loving self.

特鲁迪的妈妈看到这封短信时很不安，她意识到这件事破坏了特鲁迪心中对自己的积极看法。她找时间写了一封信给特鲁迪，帮助她重新爱自己：

Dearest Trudy, Thank you for sharing your troubled and unhappy feelings with me. What happened the other evening was difficult for both of us, but not tragic. I want you to know that my feelings about you and for you have in no way changed. I see you the same lovable person who at times can get very upset and angry. I hope you will find it in your heart to forgive yourself. Much love, Your Mom　　

最亲爱的特鲁迪，谢谢你告诉我你的不安和不开心。前几天晚上发生的事情对于我们两个来说，都是一件不容易的事，但是那并不是灾难。我希望你知道我对你的看法、对你的感情一点也没有改变。我依然把你当成和以前一样可爱的孩子，不过这个孩子有时会感到烦躁、生气。我希望你能明白，能够原谅自己，重新获得对自己的好感。非常爱你的妈妈

The mother was helpful in reassuring her daughter that getting angry need not alter one’s loving feelings for oneself or others.　　

这位妈妈向她的女儿保证生气并不会改变一个人对自己的爱，也不会改变别人对她的爱。她的做法无疑是有益的。

Often alter getting angry at their parents for not listening to their argument, children will present their case in writing.

孩子因为父母不听自己的理由而生气，这个时候，他们常常把自己的理由写下来。

A father related the following incident. In his home the children are given certificates that they may cash in for extra time at night before going to sleep. One evening, Peter, age ten, wanted to buy some time with a certificate, which he had lost. His father refused to honor a nonexistent certificate. Peter became frustrated and angry, screaming as he ran out of the room, “But you gave it to me!” When Peter’s father went to his bedroom that evening he found the following letter:

一位父亲讲述了下面的事情。在他的家里，孩子们都有兑换券，可以用来买晚上睡觉前的额外时间。一天晚上，十岁的彼得想买一些时间，但是兑换券丢了。他的父亲拒绝兑现一张不存在的兑换券。彼得觉得很失望，生起气来，离开房间时大叫道：“但是你确实把兑换券给了我！”那天晚上，当彼得的父亲回到自己的卧室时，他看到下面的信：

Dear Dad, If you do not let me stay up, you are not being just because (1) we both know that you gave me the certificate, (2) you know what my desk is like and I loss things, (3) you know how much I was looking forward to using the certificate. I don’t want to seem obnoxious for writing this. I’m only staying my own mind. XXX Peter

亲爱的爸爸，如果你不让我熬夜，那不公平，因为：

(1)我们两个都知道你把兑换券给了我。

(2)你知道我的桌子是什么样子，我总是找不见东西。

(3)你知道我多么渴望使用兑换券。我不希望因为写了这封信而让人讨厌，我只是说出我自己的想法。

When the father read the note, he realized that Peter was showing him a way to repair the bad feelings between them. It also gave him an opportunity to try an important child-rearing principle. Whenever possible enhance your child’s self-worth. He therefore penned the following note.

当父亲看到这封信时，他意识到彼得提供了一个方法修补他们之间受损的关系。同时，这也给了他一个机会尝试孩子教育的一个重要原则。只要有机会，就要增强孩子的自尊。于是他写了下面的信：

Dear Son, What clarity of thought! What persuasive arguments! As I was reading it, I had to remind myself that it is not a big over-year-old young man wrote. Attachment: Certificate is already backing in place, find it yourself. Love, Dad

亲爱的儿子，你的思路很清晰！你的论据也很有说服力！当我读你的信时，我不得不提醒自己，这不是一个大过十岁的年轻人写的。附：兑换券已经放回原处，你自己去找吧。爱你的爸爸