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Sep in My Hometown: Dad and Family

(2019-09-10 09:55:54) 下一个

Dad could no longer move well. As he spent most of his day sitting or
lying, muscle atrophy, especially of the hips and around the core, made
simple activities such as getting up from bed painfully slow. He could
not squat deep and rise without holding onto something. It was                                      
horrifying to see and reminded me of Maxwell's statement that getting
up from the floor was critical for the old.

In July, he was hospitalized for three weeks for various complaints. One
was swelling lower legs which was not fixed until Mr. Zhao doubled the
doses of one medicine after they left the hospital. He couldn't even 
chew and Mr. Zhao solved the problem by blending his food. That seemed
to work and his nutrition might be even better than before. My cousin
brought him protein powder to take with regular food. It was a good
idea, too. Slowly, he was recovering.

I don't know about dad but am thankful for all the help.

I liked my cousins but mom and aunt were sworn enemies when they were
alive. Aunt was seven years older and, with their widowed mother, took 
care of dad in his formative years. The tougher the world around them,
the stronger the bond holding the three together grew. In fact, I think 
it became too strong for dad's own good. The two women, out of their own
miseries and insecurity, must have branded the abomination of ingratitude
in his mind. To put it bluntly, their love was not free and they demanded a
return on their investment. The only male heir of the family, dad must
have carried a lot on his young shoulders when he entered the work force,
teaching at a high-school hundreds of miles away. Even after he married,
a larger portion of his paycheck went to his mom and sister's insead of his
own family, which became a constant fuse for fight between him and mom.
To justify it, he used to claim that aunt funded his education but mom
never bought the story.

Today, 80 years old, dad had a good memory and I liked his tales.
Monday evening, he reminisced about the early days, how he tried twice
to get into middle school, how his family status (anti-revolution) was                                       
revealed only in the second year there and he was nearly dismissed for                                       
it, etc. He was the first in the village to go to college, he told me with
pride, and then blurted that life was easy afterward as aunt gave him five                                        
RMB out of her monthly salary of 35. "That was not exactly what you let
on, was it?!" I realized in a shock as, until then, I had never gave it much 
thought. As a rule in his days, dad's under-grad study was fully paid by 
the government. Aunt certainly beat tithing but her contribution might be
best called an allowance or pocket money. OK. At least I know now.

No, I don't hold grudges. These days, if something can make dad happy,
including getting together with aunt's offsprings, I would often do it.
This is partly out of guilt. Toward people who raised me, I seem to have
inherited some of dad's sense of gratitude and the idea of the young taking
care of their own old still sounds right. Moreover, it makes sense to me
(as I read on this very trip), that you only escape the bad part of the
past by adding something better to it.

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7grizzly 回复 悄悄话 回复 'GraceX' 的评论 : Thank you, Grace, for reading and your thoughtful comments. And Happy Mid-Autumn!

So far, it seems troubled families are not hard to find ;-)
I cried and grieved but didn't regret much. Mom was a fighter and memory of her mostly encourages.
These days, I try to figure out how I want to die and let that guide me while I am alive.
GraceX 回复 悄悄话 7grizzly好,没见你每周惯例的一篇博文,原来你是回大陆看你父亲了。希望你父亲能早日康复。

你今天的文,很触动我的内心,你父母的矛盾,让我想起我父母也有点类似的原因造成了他们之间一直的不和,如今,我父母都已过世,尤其是我母亲的早逝,让我感叹人生苦短,现在想来确实是伤心和遗憾,人生实在太短暂,活着的时候,很多事,在当时看来是天大的,但若干年后再回想起来,也真算不了什么大事,可当时就是过不了那个坎。如今,我吸取了我父母生活中的教训了,尤其随着自己年龄的增长,越来越珍惜余生的宝贵时光,做对自己身心健康有益的事,远离和无视那些让自己不快的人和事。活出人生最后的精彩,也算没有在人世间走一趟:))

非常感谢你的文,祝你和家人,中秋快乐!
7grizzly 回复 悄悄话 回复 '暖冬cool夏' 的评论 : "worthwhile" sounds better but, as I am not sure, I'll cheat with "not in vain."
暖冬cool夏 回复 悄悄话 回复 '7grizzly' 的评论 : Good to know that.
I am actually questioning my word "worthy" here. The first instinct is the word worthwhile, make it worthwhile, then I was not sure and changed yo "worthy", which doesn't sound right. Will keep an eye on this word.
7grizzly 回复 悄悄话 回复 '暖冬cool夏' 的评论 : Thank you, 暖冬, for reading and your kind comments.

I haven't spent much time thinking about what if mom's alive.
Even early on, I understood that she had led a full and courageous life.
That's what mattered and mere living or even happiness by itself is not always desirable.
These days, I saw and heard enough to believe that's true.
暖冬cool夏 回复 悄悄话 correction: with your dad teaching
暖冬cool夏 回复 悄悄话 I knew you must be out of town. You are doing what a son can do. Your mom's story reminds me of my mother-in-law, who did not get along with the aunt until recent years. Living apart (I mean with your dad taught at a school hundreds of miles away), your mom and dad led a hard life. How you would have wished that your Mom were still alive, to enjoy her life now and see your accomplishments. The only thing you can do now is to continue her life by living well, adding good part and making all her hardship or sacrifice worthy.
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