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其实,没想做单身母亲

(2005-08-07 20:38:21) 下一个
回头想想,其实我天生不是一个INDEPENDENT PERSON, LESS A LEADER.小学到大学毕业,做过的领导职位就是宣传文艺组长和课代表一类。曾经被免职了课代表一次,忘了具体原因,大概因为我不够AGRRSESSIVE;小学在外地读书时学会了歌唱式样的舞蹈,老师让教大家跳,我三番退让不能,丑鸭子上戏台,没几天就叫老师失望了。

小时候,愿意做个乖女孩,跟着别人屁股后头跑,那样会很遐意自在。

我是在本校工作两年后读的研究生,还有其它一些原因,校长和领导认识我,开学典礼时不时提我名字,同学们以为我很厉害,力荐我做了研究生的班长,事实证明我除了努力辛勤加好心帮忙外,其实比较适合跟班。

做姑娘的时候,尽是白马王子梦,所以也不努力要独立自主。

即使现在生活逼迫我必须独立的时候,我仍然想做个幸福的小女人。

我只想在公司干专业的事务,不用说话办事追求POLITICALLY CORRECT,不用操心MY PEOPLE升职问题,不用ACCOUTABLE FOR 别人的项目。可是我必须做这些,我NEED TO SECURE MY JOB AND MY INCOME BY DOING WHATEVER ASKED.

我只想做个慈爱的妈妈,煮饭洗衣,KISS HUG. 可我不得已严厉地教训孩子,心里暗暗可怜孩子,又不能同时红脸白脸一起唱;

我只想做个不操心的妻子,工资交给老公,说:想买房子车子,要添家具修院子,样样几天就弄好了,我不想狂风暴雨天怕房子受伤害,怕找保险商。可家里样样事务我必须事无巨细;

儿子青春了,必须谈论性事,孩子说:MOM, I DON’T FEEL CONFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT THIS. 我感到很尴尬,但必须换个方式时间,接着问,接着教,也希望我教的正确;

我希望今早,门前路上和丈夫携手散步的是我,夜里大床上有个人打呼噜,别人问我先生是谁,我骄傲地指旁边一个男人。。。

可是我知道最好的男人也不是理想的继父,再差劲的爸爸也多少疼儿子,至少有血液的BOND.

好像还有很多,一时想不起来,也不愿费心,算啦不说了:)


我有时想,当时和EX吵嘴时,那个同事如果不让EX住在他家多日,弄得沸沸扬扬,我会不会觉得面子没有被伤害,而继续那个婚姻?我知道伤害很难修复,知道会不开心。但仍希望当时没有那好心外人参合,离或不离,都是当事的两个人手心的命运。

婚姻出问题时,语言是贫乏的,说不清道不白,夫妻的头脑都是混乱的,外人怎么真正能知道症结所在?夫妻彼此冷静思考,即使要离婚也先分居一段,确定一切都只能赋之流水了,再作不迟。

这些年,我对周围的婚姻不发表议论,MINE IS A FAILURE ANYWEY, HOW DO I KNOW ANYTHING:). 如果是很好的朋友问该怎么做,也是劝人不要离婚,有一个女友现在和旧老公儿子过得不错。我也知道另一个没有离婚的女友过得不开心, BUT THAT’S HER DECISION。

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shanshan2005 回复 悄悄话 当时我和我EX吵架,他爸妈立刻把他叫回家去住,事态扩大是导致我们离婚的最大原因...sigh...
SINEAD4273 回复 悄悄话 By chance your title attacted me your site. Love your blog. Very correct. But sure you know We are our own master. We feel lot stronger when we have to. Every one wants a shoulder to lean on, even man. AGREE with you, no matter how stupd a husband is, but at least he has a blood bone with his son/daughter. I always tell my friends, a man/woman might want you, but he/she will not want to take your kids. But it comes as a package. Of course, it often leads to another potential break down again. Solute to you. Good musical too. Enjoy your life.
亮亮妈妈 回复 悄悄话 你的文字让我更珍惜现在的婚姻。谢谢你。
漫游 回复 悄悄话 夫妻吵嘴,再凶,嗓们再大也没什么了不起的。但有些界线一旦越过了就永远也回不到原来的位置了。这篇短文给了我们许多的感叹,也提醒着那些仍然拥有的我们更加珍惜。。。
linda827 回复 悄悄话 很多事情都不是我们可以把握的,毕竟是来自不同的家庭环境,何况我们本身都在学习如何生活。我们只能把握住自己的情感不出问题。走过的路不要再回头,前面风光无限。
phantom06 回复 悄悄话 喜欢你的文字, 也很佩服你. 很多时候我们独立, 只是因为无以所靠. 因为可以独力承担生活的责任和义务, 我们更不愿意改变自己去迁就别人...
单身母亲 回复 悄悄话 @@#@@:谢谢。妹妹好漂亮啊
@@#@@ 回复 悄悄话 写到我的心理去了,我收藏了,谢谢
yiyouran 回复 悄悄话 很欣赏你的坚强和达观。希望你们一切顺利!
单身母亲 回复 悄悄话 hug and support:))))
donot 回复 悄悄话 I have been following your posts and like your writing and your positive atitude very much, especially this one. I am on the same boat like you, a single mother with two kids. I 100% agree with what you said in your post. Life is imperfect without a spouse or a father figure in our kids' life. However, life has to continue no matter what. I just wish I could be as positive on life as you are because I do feel that sadness for myself and my kids from time to time, especially when I have to take care of so many things by myself around my house and when I know that I have to work hard to provide my kids a decent life (ex regularly disobeys court order, not paying child support). I also hope that my kids will be like your son when they grow up.

Looking forward to your new post!
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