I sighed. For these two, it is always about studying Chinese.
“Why do I have to learn Chinese?!” Norden shouted.
“Because! … ”
I pictured Samuel explaining for the hundredth time, then he lost it.
“You just have to!!”
I took off my blue-light glasses and pushed away from my laptop. Time for the mommy magic. Samuel and I had just talked about this last night. He agreed to let me intervene if he loses his temper with Norden.
I went upstairs and opened the office door. I gave Samuel a knowing look. Reluctantly, Samuel sat back in his chair and turned away from Norden.
I stepped in.
Intervening in the middle of a crisis comes naturally to me. After all, I’ve had two decades of practice.
Effortlessly, I transformed into my Behavior Analyst role. I was objective, light, and even playful.
Gradually, Norden stopped shouting. No more tears and huff puff.
“Mommy, you always want me to be honest. Daddy lied. He said all I need to do is this one page. Then he added more.”
“I hear you Nor. Is it possible you didn’t pay attention when Daddy first gave you instructions?”
“No. But it doesn’t matter, I can’t get my 30 minutes [game time] anyway.” So that is the real reason! There is no motivation to study.
“I see. Why?”
“Because I didn't write my journal before 9 am.”
“Oh, I see. So what if instead of writing 1 page, you write 2 pages? Then you can ask if it’s possible to still earn the game time. Everything is possible, as long as you are willing.”
...
An hour later, Norden came downstairs, “Daddy said I had a good attitude and I am all done with my Chinese. Now I am going to make up my journal. If I write two pages, can I play?”
“Anything is possible Nor. But if I were you, I would show the results first, then your negotiation will have more power.”
Ten minutes later, he showed me his completed journal and even named it Part I and Part II.
I smiled. Yes, that is growth.
He and I were not always this close. I have worked really hard for the last three years to build this relationship. He knows “I get him”. I get his humor, his playfulness, his jokes. I get how he cares about his look, his image. He wants to be cool.
He knows I am interested in his life, his school, his friends, his teachers, his everything. Norden has a big heart. He is smart. I bite my tongue if the word “lazy” ever comes up in my mind. He is building character and work ethic now. Well, he is also a twelve-year-old who likes to take shortcuts.
Just as I was self-congratulating how good of a mom that I am, the next morning I lost it.
I had the biggest fight with Norden. It was the worst in the history of our co-existence.
I watched my anger rise but I couldn't stop it. Rage engulfed me in seconds. He stomped upstairs and I screamed like a madwoman from downstairs to the point that my chest hurt. This physical pain had never happened before.
It shocked me.
I must calm down!
I went into my bedroom and put on a swamp song. I was so mad at him but more at myself. I cried in anger and shame.
Five minutes later, my alarm went off. It was my morning River Cleanse time with Sally.
I called, still sobbing … “I feel the pain deep in my heart. I love my son so much. I don’t know what happened...how did I get so angry so fast… I’m like this with no one else in the world but Norden...what happened to me during those moments ...who was in the driver’s seat? Something in me was completely triggered.”
15 minutes later, I came out of the room, temporarily in peace.
I got in the car to drive to an appointment and looked for an audible book to listen to.
“What happened to you?” by Oprah and Dr. Bruce Perry, a neuroscientist and psychiatrist, caught my eye and I listened.
We all have traumas. Every single one of us, big or small and in all colors and shapes. Our bodies hold our trauma. Suppressed emotions get stuck in our bodies and eat away our spirit. I realized there is nothing wrong with being angry. Anger is just an opportunity to release.
I had been taught that getting mad is bad: a judgment I place on myself.
Now I understand how getting to experience anger at its fullest and releasing it is such a gift. All emotions are beautiful. They are all colors in the rainbow and fuel for our soul.
Norden and I talked and set new boundaries that night. The next day was beautiful again. We went shopping, ate ice cream and watched a movie.
We went around the dinner table and each of us shared our triggers. We learned some new things about each other in our family of four.
“My language and art teacher is strict but nice. Mom, you are the same. You are nice and strict. Sometimes too strict.” He smiled, half teasing.
“Thank you.” I smiled back.
Thank you, Norden, for being my teacher. Thank you, anger, for bringing my family even closer.
Love,
WeiLi