-by Hanya Yanagihara

一本让我读了很长时间的书。很多地方让人悲伤的读不下去，很多地方又美得不似真的。

Oh Jude, what a life you had!

Many reviews say this is a very sad story. I disagree.

It’s a long book. It tells the story of Jude, a parentless boy, a college student, a successful lawyer and cooperate litigator, a loving partner of Willem, and also a damaged person with trauma and secrets throughout his entire life. Yet, he managed to show others his kindness, intelligence, caring, generosities, competence, loving, friendship, support and independence; he'd been trying every single day to be normal in the eyes of others.

It's unbearable to read Jude's life before he turned fifteen. I skipped one chapter just so I didn't have to see those horrifying words. After Jude turned to fifteen, however, his life turned to the solace path and he began to shine and live as an independent person.

I love the part when Jude was adopted by Harold and Julia when he was thirty. I didn't know you could adopt an adult. I love when after his partner, Willem, learned his past only to love and respect him more, I love when Willem turned down the request to represent the group of gay people, how Willem said: “I'm not gay”, “I'm in relationship with Jude". It's beautiful that two men are in relationship but not gays. Have you ever considered that?

Jude had quite a life. I also think he was a lucky man, despite those unspeakable years. It's miracle of him turning out to be a completely what he had not been. He'd loved by so many people unconditionally, and he also loved so many people around. He had finally had a family, the parents, he had finally learned how it felt as a child to be spoiled and throw tantrums to his parents without worrying about their abandoning him. He had Willem, who had been there for him since they met in college. Willem loved him, cared about him, and respected him their entire life together. Their relationship was so beautiful and honest it made you want one just like that.

Jude didn't have a conventional life. Neither did Willem. In the book somewhere it brought up the subject of meaningful life. It's interesting to ask yourself the question: is life less meaningful without kids?

Jude and Willem were both men. They were both successful, rich, well-known in their respective fields, and independent. Willem had dated many women before he realized his feelings for Jude. Jude, on the other side, had never ever had a relationship with a woman. Years of being close friends and roommates had made them both realized what they were meant for each other, and the realization had made them step further and entered that area. They were both bloody honest with themselves in this matter.

There're different types of friendship, love, relationships in life. Normally people go with the conventional way, which is to have a family and raise kids together, between a man and a woman. It's not very popular for people take another path. But other paths do exist. I honestly believe that one should follow their hearts to enjoy life no matter what.

Jude's being Jude means he needed to hurt himself. He couldn't get rid of the scar of his first fifteen years. In this perspective I feel really sad and helpless for him. Reading Jude hurting himself was like to watch your heart being sliced piece by piece and the pain made you want to disappear but only to find yourself still breathing. It's very cruel.

I wasn't sad when at the end Jude commit suicide. It feels so....Jude. There's only one Willem in this whole universe that could make Jude cut himself less. After Willem's death, he couldn't go on with life. He missed Willem so terribly. And I don't blame him. I love Willem too. He's my favorite person of all.  It's heart-broken to see how Jude was struggling to keep going after Willem had gone. It's also very touching to see how others helped him. Jude was great. He accepted the help at the end and made his uttermost effort to live without Willem. Sometimes one can do only this much, right? Jude had done all he could possibly have done in life as long as he could. There's no regret.

So, it makes one wonder:

How much hurt you can get from others?

How much you can hurt yourself?

How much suffering you can bear?

How much you can love another person?

Is life less meaningful without kid?

Does love have boundaries?

What is humanity?