|Cold, freezing cold, when I stood in the corridor of the funeral home, I felt cold from core of my heart. No matter my body or soul, all have been frozen. Snow, never seen for the past 11 years, dropping endless...
I was in a trance by thinking that I was watching a movie, those people, building, snowing, except the coldness. People cried, shout, and fainted in front of the dead. I was shocked. Faces passing by with those remote but far familiar accents, I wondered where I was.
She is gone. With her big determination and our deep sorrow & regrets, she looked so calm and even cannot see a trace of pain on her face which stroked her at her last few seconds when she hung herself up at balcony. Maybe, compared with the pain from Cancer, this is minor. Her face has been made up a bit too red, in order to cover the slight purple.
1. Beijing,her dream
She had such a strong character, an affectionate mother plus an unsatisfied mother-in-law. She was a fighter to her own fate all along.
She enrolled to Primary school at 11 years old after her youngest brother died who was under her full day's care sine she was 6. She performed excellent in school, but due to family background reason in those days, she was post to some technical school in Beijing. With her fatherly brother's care there, she swore to herself that she shall live in Beijing together with her brother in her life. And she loved the environment and its culture. However, destiny sent her back to her hometown--Changzhou. She tried hard to find a way back to Beijing in order to unite with her family members by all means.
She thought she had snatched the hope when she met up a short but handsome young man, Mr. Zhou, who married her later, from Beijing. However, the marriage couldn't bring her back to Beijing. What brought in was not only distance but also loneliness. She suffered a few times of abortion, until finally made up her mind to keep that new life with her. She brought up the little boy alone at her dormitory when she working, alone. Now we still cannot figure out how she managed it. Anyway, the boy grew up to 3 years old, she sent him to a full-daycare centre.
Unexpectedly, another blow came. Her husband, heard and believed the rumor that their Beijing institute may move to Ningxia province, a remote place. Without any communication with his wife, Mr. Zhou sent the application to move to her place--Her hope of going back to the capital city of China forever was gone.
The unity with her Husband has somehow washed away the regrets on her forever-gone dream. She gave birth to another boy, who was too weak and often fell sick. As time passed by, both boys grew up and have been excellent in Academic. She should be happy since both are successful at their own career.
2. Un-satisfaction grew into resentment
However, fate moves toward the other direction.
She cannot get used to the lonely after two sons flew away from the family. Her complaints and bad temper grew concurrently with her age. She stepped in her sons life and gave more interfere to her daughter-in-law. Every family member felt difficult to deal with her. The less time the others spent with her, the worst her temper became.
Until the day, she quarreled with her husband and drove him off to elder's care house. She spotted a solid lump inside her breast in end of 2009, and doctor confirmed it was cancer. But she argued and quarrel with doctor in order to prove the doctor has wrong diagnose.
She missed the best time to cure her cancer. When her left arm was suffering huge pain and becoming more and more swollen, she realized her time was due soon.
She fumbled towards the only way to stop the pain. She did it by taking up over 200pcs of sleeping pills but her younger son sent her to hospital in time and she revived. Only by then, all her family got to know what happened so far.
She tried suicide again, after she read through the final medical report. She wrote a last note by saying that "no failure this time". She put all her belongings in a good order to both of her sons and made sure her last will would be carried out.
With her 72 years age, she left us...
She forever lived in snowy 2011.
I put down on writing to remember her… a great mother!