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他为什么那样做？暴戾专横者的心理探秘
原著: Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
作者：Lundy Bancroft
翻译：寻ME
(评论选自AMAZON网站, 附原文及链接)
关于暴戾专横的男人以及怎么对付他们，我还没有见过任何一本书能与此书媲美。专横和虐待性的行为不仅让人困惑，也常常会令人恼怒，因为施虐者往往玩弄很多操纵性的把戏，比如撒谎，影射，敲诈，否认自己发脾气，以及对外界表现出一副“大好人”的样子等等。
“他为什么这么做”这本书内容精彩，详细解析了很多问题，其中包括：九种不同类型的施虐者；施虐男人操纵女人常用的花招；虐待性关系的早期征兆；有关施虐者的错误观念（比如说喝酒导致虐待）；法律和心理保健业的专业人士；虐待对男孩和女孩的不同影响；某些家庭和社会因素怎样把男孩培养成未来的施虐者；如何帮助受虐妇女。作者甚至还描述了如何在男人堆里找寻施虐者，以及如何判断一个施虐者是真的改邪归正还是仅仅在装模作样。
写这本书之前，作者朗迪班科罗夫特做过施虐男人的心理咨询，有15年的临床经验。在长年的咨询工作中，班科罗夫特跟很多擅长控制和虐待的男人打过交道，他特别提醒读者们警惕施虐者常耍的手段，并揭穿了施虐者们常说的一些鬼话。作者通过其本人及同行们在咨询中发生的故事，向读者们提供了宝贵的经验和教训。
一个女人和她的丈夫接受夫妻咨询，六个月之后终于开口说出了丈夫虐待她的事实。在咨询师面前，那个丈夫眼含泪水地坦白，说自己一直不肯面对自己的暴力行为以及对妻子造成的伤害。但是,在回家的路上，那个男人却一手开车，一手抓着妻子的头发不停地向车前板上撞，同时咆哮如雷地咒骂她不该家丑外扬。
作者强烈反对就家暴问题进行夫妻咨询，并且反对任何教导受虐妇女单方面改变自己以期对方随之改变的咨询。这种心理治疗不仅没用，甚至反而会对家暴受害者起到反面的作用，对此他详尽地解释了原因。施虐者往往有取悦和迷惑咨询师的手段，而使咨询师最终站在他的一边。另外，施虐者还常常精通控制情绪以及化解冲突的技巧，只是因为缺乏尊重，他们不屑于在自己的妻子或女友身上花费那个精力而已。
其它相关书籍往往以描述虐待行为见长，而这本书不仅描述了虐待者的行为，而且揭示了其背后的原因和虐待心理。对这种令人不耻的行为，费尔博士提出的问题是：“好处是什么？”也就是说，施虐者能得到什么报偿？与其它我读过的家暴书籍不同，本书作者对这个问题给予了详尽的解答。不幸的是，(虐待的)好处太大了，许多施虐者因此拒绝为改变他们的态度和行为而付出努力。
作者还指出，让施虐者乐此不疲的另一个重要原因是，他们从小就被培养出一种优越感，觉得自己在任何关系中都拥有特权，而对方则处于迎合他们的地位。因为这种优越感，他们对妻子有不公平不合理的期望，而且常常使用双重标准。其中一个很常见的双重标准是，施虐者可以表达和发泄自己的怒火，却不允许对方这么做。
这本书带给我们的有好消息，也有坏消息。好消息是研究人员对施虐行为达到了前所未有的了解，另外，虐待是一个可以解决的问题。坏消息是，施虐者的改变任重道远，需要一个合格的治疗计划以及当事人严格地一步步遵守和执行。即使有了合格的治疗计划，接受治疗的施虐者中也只有很少一部分愿意按部就班地付出努力，因为改变毕竟是一个艰苦的过程。如果施虐者不认为自己有问题，那么可以预测, 浪子回头的几率是零。
这里还有几个小小的建议和意见，但都不影响该书的价值。（1）我希望看到更多有关消极攻击（passive-aggressive）虐待方面的内容。作者提到在临床咨询中看到的一个普遍现象是，有虐待行为的男人意识到家里不再允许虐待行为时，常常会改变策略，由公开性的虐待转为消极性攻击。但作者对这一现象的描述仅止与此。（2）作者提到了本领域中他敬慕的同行专家，也提到他对某些文献中的理论并不认同。我会更愿意看到他列出这些书和作者的名字。
我强烈推荐这本书，特别把它推荐给以下读者群：遭遇或怀疑自己处于虐待性关系的人们；关心受虐者的人们；有受虐史并想打破这种模式的女人；处理虐待问题的心理健康专业人士和法律界人士；以及不想让自己的儿子受媒体，家庭和朋友影响而变成施虐者的父母们。
感谢朗迪班科罗夫特，这部著作是对人类的一个重大贡献。
原文及链接见下：
http://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/product-reviews/0425191656/ref=sr_1_1_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
A MUST-READ if you are or were ever abused by your partner
This book is by far the best I've read on angry and controlling men, and how to deal with them. Controlling and abusive behavior can be quite confusing as well as infuriating, as abusers tend to use a large repertoire of manipulative tactics such as lying, projection, blackmail, denying being angry, and putting on a "Mr. Wonderful" act to the outside world, etc.
"Why Does He Do That" is exceptionally well written, carefully explaining among other things: nine types of abusers; tactics abusive men use to manipulate their partners; early warning signs of abusive relationships; myths about abusers (such as the one that alcohol consumption causes abuse); the legal system and mental health professionals; the effect of abuse on boys and girls; how some families and certain aspects of society grooms boys to be future abusers; and how to help abused women. Bancroft even describes what to look for in men's groups for abusers and how to tell if the abuser is changing for real or is just pretending to change.
Prior to writing this book, Lundy Bancroft had been in the trenches for 15 years as a counselor in an abusive men's program. As a seasoned veteran of dealing with manipulative abusive individuals, Bancroft does an outstanding job of alerting the reader to their tactics and debunking common B.S. claims they make. His stories about his clients and the clients of colleagues are fascinating and provide poignant lessons for the reader.
One woman had been in couple's counseling for 6 months with her husband and finally revealed that he was abusing her. Appearing on the verge of tears, the husband told the therapist that he had been in denial about his violence and hadn't been facing how badly it was hurting his wife. On the way home from the session, the husband kept one hand on the steering wheel and in the other clutched a large handful of his wife's hair, repeatedly slamming her into the dashboard as he gave her a screaming, expletive-filled lecture for revealing the abuse to someone outside the family.
Bancroft strongly recommends against couples counseling for abusers and any program which recommends that the abused individual unilaterally changes her behavior in hopes he'll change too. This type of therapy doesn't work and can even be counterproductive for reasons Bancroft explains in detail, and the abuser often ends up charming the therapist who may end up siding with the abuser. Besides, abusers often are fairly well versed in anger management skills and conflict resolution. They simply don't respect their partner enough to bother using these skills.
Other books are often good at describing abusive behavior, but this book describes not only what they do, but why they do it and how these men think. When Dr. Phil sees an undesirable behavior, he asks, "What's the payoff?" I.e. what rewards is the perpetrator reaping from behaving this way? Unlike the other books I've read on abuse, Bancroft thoroughly explains what these abusers are getting from the behavior. Unfortunately, the rewards are so powerful, that many abusers refuse to do the hard work of changing their attitudes and behavior.
Another important reason the behaviors are so entrenched, Bancroft points out, is that is that abusive men were often conditioned from an early age to feel entitled to be a privileged character in relationships where the partner caters to them. The abuser's high entitlement leads him to have unfair and unreasonable expectations, as well as double standards. One common double standard is that only the abuser is allowed to express anger in the relationship, but not his partner.
This book provides good news and bad: The good news is that abusive behavior is understood like never before and is a solvable problem. The bad news is that it generally requires a serious commitment by the abuser to go through every step of a quality program for abusers. Even for abusers who enroll in a such a program, only a small percentage bother to do every step of the difficult, uncomfortable work of change. If your abuser doesn't think he has a problem, his prognosis for change is ZERO.
A couple small quibbles, but these in no way detract from the book: (1) I'd like to see more writing devoted to the tactics of passive-aggressive abuse. Bancroft mentions that it's common for men in his program, once they realize abuse will no longer be tolerated in their home, to switch tactics from overt abuse to passive-aggressive. But beyond that, he doesn't cover it much. (2) Bancroft mentions other professionals in the abuse field whose work he admires, and also some things in the literature he disagrees with. I would have preferred it if he named the authors and books he disagrees with.
I can't recommend this book highly enough, particularly to individuals who are or suspect they are in an abusive relationship and the individuals who care about them, women with have a history of abusive relationships who want to break the pattern, mental health and legal professionals who deal with abuse, and parents of sons who don't want them indoctrinated by the media, family and friends to be abusers themselves.
P.S. Thank you Lundy Bandcroft for writing this book. You've done humanity a great service.
良友良伴 相扶共度人生旅
十岁那年 我支持母亲离了婚
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