1 你教不了一只老狗飞翔/You Can’t Teach an Old Dog to Fly

A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: ?“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

一名妇女打电话给我们的航空公司客户服务台询问她是否能带她的狗上飞机。

“当然，”我说，“你只要提供自己的狗窝。”我进一步解释说，狗窝要足够大能让狗站起来，坐下，转身，和翻滚。

客户狼狈不堪：“我在明天前教不会他所有这一切！”

2 被鹦鹉击败/Bested by a Parrot

Wandering inside a pet store, ?I stopped in front of a birdcage to ?admire a parakeet. We watched each other for a few minutes before it asked, “Can’t you talk?”

在宠物商店里徘徊，我停在鸟笼前欣赏一个鹦鹉。我们看着对方几分钟后，鹦鹉问道：“你会说话吗？”

3 企鹅低语者/The Penguin Whisperer

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.

After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema and sees the guy who said he’d help him is leaving the theater with 25 penguins.

“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”

“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”

一名男子驾车在高速公路上时他看到一个运输卡车在路边失事，25只企鹅在车外蹒跚。他停下来，货车司机告诉他，“快！我等AAA，你得把这些鸟送到动物园！” 那人同意并带着企鹅开走了。

修好他的车后，卡车司机赶到动物园以确定企鹅们安全。他没有看到企鹅的踪影。卡车司机惊慌地在全镇寻找他失踪的企鹅。一个小时后，他经过当地的电影院，看到说要帮他的人和25只企鹅正离开影院。

“怎么回事！”卡车司机喊道。 “我告诉过你带他们去动物园！”

“我去了，”那人回答。 “但我还有些余钱，所以我想我也要带他们看场电影。”

4 丢失的狗/Missing Dog

An old farmer is inconsolable after his dog goes missing. He takes out an ad in the newspaper, but two weeks later, there’s still no sign of the mutt. “What did you write in the ad?” his wife asks. “Here, boy,” he replies.

一个老农民在他的狗走丢后伤心欲绝。他在报纸上打了一个广告，但两个星期后，还是有没有狗的迹象。 “你在广告中写的什么？”他的妻子问。 “到这来，孩子，”他回答说。

5 安全系统/Security System

When a neighbor’s home was burglarized, I decided to be more safety conscious. But my measly front-door lock wasn’t going to stop anyone, so I hung this sign outside: “Nancy, don’t come in. The snake is loose. Mom.”

当邻居的家被盗了，我决定要更有安全意识。但我可怜的前门锁是挡不住任何人的，所以我在外面挂了一个牌子：“南希，别进来。蛇跑了。 妈妈。”

6 伴侣/Companion

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there’s no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again—still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I’m putting on my shoes!"

史蒂夫，一个孤独的单身汉，希望有些陪伴，于是他买了蜈蚣和一个小盒子让它居住。这天晚上，他打算出门。

“要喝一杯吗？”他问蜈蚣。但是盒子里没有回答。几分钟后，他又问道，还是没有答复。最后，他抱怨，“嘿！你想喝点什么吗？”

“你第一次说我就听到了！”一个小的，恼怒的声音说。 “我在穿我的鞋！”

Source: http://www.rd.com/jokes/animal/