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1 戏剧和电影都喜欢较少的场景。 <<初夏>>仅一个场景。
2 第1段仅3个词。视觉背景已交代。简洁宜目。
3 No one knows your name except a slender light of early summer 这是妙句。没有直说 No one knows your name in Corner cafe.
except a slender light of early summer 既说了这是初夏,又在这里自然出现。
slender一词是本诗的第一次诗意自然表出。这一词的用法是精细的。
4 Falling slantingly over a variety of oceans between your hands “a variety of oceans”是双关 (多义)语。既指CAFE等,又指读者所理解的,如可以是文字等。slantingly是个好的选词,既不过于生僻,又不过于常俗。
5 How does it find you? This ray of light, this moment, this voice 这一句从实景移向虚意。从外围移向主人公的感受。
6 Now you almost feel comfortable among strangers who are cracking some cheap joke across table
You take another sip of sugared bitterness in their hollowing amusement
这Corner cafe,读起来以为在讲诗坛。无论它是不是作者的原意,这是高超之处。 后一句是双关 (多义)语。
7 Is this a joke? You hear someone ask
You can’t laugh with them for a variety of reasons 这在步步逼向她的内心。同时有继续在原场景CAFE中。
8 But an unusual peacefulness inside you in this early summer light 这是所谓结尾前的“提/转”(参见早先的1技巧贴)。在为她作early summer的 一语概之的总结了。
9 A ship horn beyond horizon A Chinese girl far from home
“当船在地平线之后鸣笛 一个中国姑娘远离家乡”
多好的结尾.
10
“让你读了觉得是写你。”这话已是极高的评价了。这一境界使我选评此诗。
Early Summer _____________________
Corner cafe Cappuccino & melancholy
No one knows your name except a slender light of early summer
Falling slantingly over a variety of oceans between your hands
How does it find you? This ray of light, this moment, this voice
Now you almost feel comfortable among strangers who are cracking some cheap joke across table
You take another sip of sugared bitterness in their hollowing amusement
Is this a joke? You hear someone ask
You can’t laugh with them for a variety of reasons
But an unusual peacefulness inside you in this early summer light
A ship horn beyond horizon A Chinese girl far from home
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