Today, I turned 40.

I kept telling myself: It's no big deal, but my family and friends kept congradulating me and some of them made a big deal for me. Even my divorce in process husband bought me dinner today. I don't know if it is because of time of the month or other reasons, my emotion has not been consistently calm today.

Just yesterday, we went to the lawyer's office to sign the divorce settlement. I thought about scheduling it today but just to avoid the irony, we did it yesterday. Regardless, I am facing a new stage of my life, when I climbed a big step on my age.

I don't feel sad, nor depressed, maybe a bit confused. Physically I never felt better, mentally I am stable, only the future became unknow again. I am not a person who looks back with regret, but I also believe that if I don't learn from my past, I won't grow wiser. What should I learn from this 15 years of failed marriage? Will I have the right expectation for future relationship(s)? Will I be a better mother once this process is over? Will I pay enough attention to my kids if I start dating again?

The fact that I have these doubts with faded background of drifting feelings tells me that I do think it is a big deal. I am 40, it is a new era. It doesn't matter how young I feel, I cannot avoid my middle age status anymore. At least I don't feel down, for that I know I am blessed.