The card reads " I Love You More Than You Know" with a Christmas tree, gift box, and fire place. He highlighted the words on the left: " Sometimes it's hard for me to show you how much I really care, to say how much I treasure each moment that we share. Sometimes it's hard for me to believe that anyone could be as caring and as wonderful as you always are to me..." He didn't highlight the words on the right: "Sometimes it's hard to tell you that I feel the way I do-- for no one could ever love someone as much as I love you." He highlighted the "Merry Christmas" underneath, and wrote more, "Jen, You have Filled my heart with so much happiness, and I hope someday you will know how much you mean to me. I pray that your heart is full of happiness this Christmas and everyday after... I love you so much... Dan" He noticed I worn a different necklace right after he walked in. He asked,"You have a new necklace?" I said,"No. It is an old one. I had it for years. Just some change." Right before we went our separate way, he said, "I got to fix your necklace." He reached out, gently turned the hook to the back. He said,"This is bad luck." I said,"Oh. I didn't know that. So superstitious." and laugh. It seems that he did care about me. But what is he really thinking/caring about? I really don't know and not sure. But I don't care. He said he has a career goal now, and said he quit smoke for himself, not for me. Just wish that he could have a good life. Later that night, he called me, said that his computer crashed so he couldn't send me the email he promised. He said he went to the dentist and was told that two teeth need to be pulled out. He sent me two emails at 10:30 though. One was the MP3 file of "Thousands of years". I had such an intense dream of you last night…most of the dreams I have had lately have been negative, nightmarish. I woke this morning feeling so happy though. I think seeing you last night left me wishful and I thought of you as I fell asleep…I thought of just you and me in our own world, without any thought of consequence, any thought of what bad things could happen…random thoughts, I suppose. You were smiling in my dream, and you were so energetic and happy. It became a very passionate dream, and we were holding hands or touching the whole time…never apart.
You seemed happy last night, but still reserved. Every time I come close to you I wonder if I am being selfish. I can't help it when I see you, I just find myself wanting to be closer to you, to feel your breath on my neck, to smell you, to hear you breathe in my ear. I love holding you tight against me, feeling your chest rise with each breath you take. At that moment I wish I could stop time. I wonder how you feel being close to me, and I become nervous, self-conscious and afraid, wondering if you feel the same things. I think being apart from you has served to make me more attracted to you, and I long to be closer to you. I felt so frustrated last night, after seeing you…if you only knew how badly I desire you…
After I gave you your card, I couldn't stand to see you read it. I had to go to the restroom just to avoid seeing your reaction, for fear that I would feel like you didn't believe what was written. I think I feared rejection. It was actually funny when I bought that card, I had stood so long at the store reading cards that I had to sit in the aisle with a stack of other cards next to me…an old lady looked at me and laughed, she told me "I am sure whatever card you get will be the right one!". She smiled, telling me that she wished her own kids spent as much time deliberating over the right words to say…I only hope I do
Anyway, I should get going. I have more to say but I have to get back to my friends shop, and then to the dentist. You have no idea how happy and grateful I am that you show me so much care and concern. It makes me feel alive and happy…
Hope your night goes well, Jen.
Love always, Not being able to see you is so very hard for me, especially considering that I still dream of you...
Even though I stayed at Ken's last night, I did not really sleep well. I love getting into a semi-conscious state, between sleep and being awake, I find that I still have lucid thoughts that border on dreams, only then I have somewhat of an ability to determine their outcome, and length. It's almost like a meditative state, only I usually do end up falling asleep most of the time...
I have been busy all day today, and I think I finally have a couple hours to take a nap, one of my favorite guilty pleasures...can you guess what I will think of? :)
I hope someday my desire for you can be fulfilled, that the happiness in my dreams will come, that you and I can know each other at a much deeper level...I love you always...
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