A pom （Englishman）, fresh off the plane at Sydney airport, is trying to negotiate Australian customs. Finally, when it's his turn to get his passport stamped, the customs officer starts rattling off the usual questions:
C.O. - How long do you intend to stay?
POM - 1 week.
C.O. - What is the nature of this trip?
POM - Business.
C.O. - Do you have any past criminal convictions?
POM - I didn't think we still needed to!
海关官员 - 你打算逗留多久？
英国佬 - 一周。
海关官员 - 这次旅行的性质是什么？
英国佬 - 公干。
海关官员 - 你以前有过刑事犯罪记录吗？
英国佬 - 我没想到我们仍然需要有犯罪记录才能入境！
A bloke （man） escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money, beer and guns and finds a young Australian couple in bed. He orders the bloke out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then goes into the bathroom.
While the man is in the bathroom, the husband tells the wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped inmate, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years... I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which the wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey, I love you too!!"
Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, 'How many people are flying with you?'
Ricky replies, 'Strewth mate, how would I know. It's your plane.'
What should you do if an Aussie throws a grenade at you ?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
Helen Clarke, Prime Minister of New Zealand, is rudely awoken at 4am by the telephone.
"Hillen, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at thus hour but it's an emergency! I've just received word thet the Durex fectory en Auckland has burned to the ground. It is istimated thet the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week."
PM: "Shut - the economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies - wi'll be ruined!"
Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from abroad... Brutain?..."
PM: "No chence!! The Poms will have a field day on thus one!"
Hilth Munister: "What about Australia?"
PM: "Maybe - but we don't want thum to know thet we're stuck!"
Hilth Munister: "You call John Howard - tell hum we need one moollion condoms; ten enches long and eight enches thuck! That way they'll know how bug the Kiwis really are!"
Helen calls John, who agrees to help the Kiwis out in their hour of need. Three days later a plane arrives in Auckland, full of boxes.
A delighted Helen rushes out to open the boxes. She finds condoms, ten inches long, eight inches thick, all coloured green and gold. Then, she notices in small writing on each and every one:
MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM
总理：“妈的 - 我们的经济不可能应付所有那些不想要的宝宝 - 完了！”
总理：“也许 - 但我们也不想让他们知道我们被难住了！”
卫生部长：“你打电话给John Howard - 告诉他，我们需要一百万卫生套; 长度十英寸，周长八英寸！这样他们就会知道新西兰人到底有多大了！”
澳大利亚制造 - 尺寸：中号
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, 'Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.'
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, 'We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.'
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, 'And what are those?'
'Glen', the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, 'Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas.'