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生活日记--我和邻居Ann的小故事(下)

(2019-03-10 05:01:07) 下一个

 

 

她客厅的墙壁是淡乳黄色的,窗帘和台灯是湖绿色的,这两个颜色为客厅的整体格调打下了基调---清雅,闲适。其它砂岩色的布沙发,榉木色的餐桌椅,浅青色的瓷花瓶都是这个环境中和谐的搭配。 

“噢,这是我写的一个短故事,想请你看看。英文的。“ 我说着,把一直握在手中的五页A4纸递到ANN面前。

“噢?好啊。你写的?“ANN回应得爽快,声音和眼神却都带着一丝的惊讶。她伸手接过那几页纸,“噢,我去拿眼镜”

ANN从里面房间里出来时,鼻梁上已架了副金丝框的眼镜。然后她就在桌边坐下,开始阅读起来。

她读得很认真。她读时,我站在原地,凝视着她。

她那一头的短发,除了青白色已看不到一点其它的颜色。 她的眉是棕黄色的,造型细细的,依然浓密,被梳理得十分整齐。那副金丝框眼镜与她瘦削的脸庞,白晰的皮肤很搭配。看ANN的模样,我就相信:ANN一定是位有鉴赏力的人。而且上次来她家时,看到她沙发上一本插着书签的书,问了她,她说那是部小说,她爱读小说。她还说到了那本小说的作者是她喜爱的作家之一。只是我当时根本没真正留意,并想去记住那位作家的名字。 

 我很喜欢你用的“A rush of sweet feeling rising inside her". Ann 给了第一个评语。

“我还喜欢你对NICK的描述,“ FRESH”这个词用得很好。

“In Valentine’s Day morning, Nick came, along with him was a blast of crispy air and the fragrance from a bunch of captivating roses in his hands. He looked fresh, his face was slightly brightened rosy by the roses.”

 

听她这样说,我一阵窃喜,语言把两个不同种族的人的思想联系了起来,感受到,被感受到,认同着,被认同着,这种感觉真好!

“我就是想看看,我写的这英文美国人能不能读懂。” 我说。这是我最基本的愿望---能读,别人知道你在说什么。我没有更多的奢望。

“噢,可以读的懂的,而且很好,很美。” ANN说时,目光并没有从那纸上离开。她像是被那纸上的故事吸引住了。“很有意思“她说,视线依然于纸上。

 

我坐下了,我看到了希望,看来我的想法不是天方夜谭。我在心中鼓励起自己,为自己的感觉而高兴。

这时,我才发现ANN虽然思想专注,但她的手一直在微颤,这让我心中不免生出一丝感伤。 

记得去年9月在泳池遇见她时,她不经意间说出了她的年龄--75岁。当时她穿着黑色的泳装,她的背虽然已有些微驼,但她修长的体形依然美丽。她的脸上虽然一眼可见皱纹,但干净,没什么斑迹。无疑,年轻时,她是个引人注目的高挑美人。只是不知为何一直未婚。她的两个妹妹小她快十岁,带着孙女来与她一起游泳。两个妹妹在水中时,她就穿着泳衣,披着浴巾在岸边晒太阳,读书。有一阵,我鼓动她下水,告诉她水不凉。她走过来,一只脚刚试了下水,就缩了回去,说“太冷了。

 

“写得很美,很难想像一个母语不是英语的人写成这样。“她抬起眼,看着我,轻轻地赞着。

“我也喜欢你对小熊的描述。“她说,并没抬眼,但我却见她脸上带着享受与赞赏的笑。

“Her eyes reached a shelf near the chocolate area, that’s a shelf with stuffed toys. She could see people having swept there, Part of the shelf was empty, only a few stuffed toys, upside down, were scattering on the shelves. She saw one brown teddy bear, one white little bear, a pink bear, all cute. She walked to the shelf with a blurry idea in mind and a solid hope in heart.

They are all bears with different colors and designs. She moved her sight from top shelf to lower shelf. There he is! A black bear sitting at the corner of the lower shelf, on the cover of a red heart-shaped box, was gazing at her with eyes full of affection. Jane felt her heart almost jumping out of her chest!

She held the little black bear in hands. A red love tie was around his neck, a red love heart embroidered on each paw. He looked adorable and lovely. Jane kneaded his arms, shoulders and legs. The softness and smoothness gave her a warm and cozy feeling. She put her nose close to it. A gush of light chocolate scent came to her. This was what she wanted! When Nick holding it , smelling it, he will think of her with an evocation of happiness.

“Oh, yes, Black bear, I am a black bear, you are a panda bear! Nick shouted and laughed. The wave of their laughing pervaded the room.

 

”就是这段对盒子的描述我没办法想像出它的模样。“

 

“你说对了。我知道,我不会描述这个部分,还需要再细想。“ 我忙说。这就好比要当一个好厨师,首先要会品菜。自己做出的菜味,自己是知道的。

“那几处我用了红色标出来的部分是我不确定说法是否准确,你帮我看看。“说着,我去找那页。那页在桌上,她读过后放在那了。我拿起,指着上面的三处红色标记处。”一一给ANN看。

 

“这个没有错”,“这个也没有错”,“这也对,都对。“ANN一处处看过后说。听她这么一说,我真感觉有些心花怒放了!“噢,那太好了,我不确定。”

 

“噢,第三页看完,后面的两页我没改过,没法看,等我改好再给你看。”我说。是希望她不要读后面那两页,生怕那后面两页劣质翻译影响了她对整个故事的观感。

“我很想看看最后怎么样了。”ANN说着,继续着她的阅读。因为先给她打了预防针,我就坦然了。反正ANN现在只想看看故事的结局。

 

“嗯, 非常好的结局。我还怕NICK会一直和JANE 做男女朋友,最后NICK向JANE求婚了,真好。”ANN说时,温暖的眼神中散发出亮光---那是对故事中男女主人公的祝福。我有点吃惊,没想到ANN到了这个年纪,还爱看这种美丽的爱情故事,还会关注故事的结尾。但很快我就觉得也很自然,我想:以她年轻时的美丽,却一直没结婚,在这背后,应该是有故事的。

 

“你的意思是:男人大多都只愿谈恋爱,而不愿结婚吗?”我好奇地问,想听听这样一位虽已入暮年,却依然美得优雅女子的看法。

“这没有一般概论,全看个人,人和人差异很大。“她说时,语气和表情都变得淡然了。听她这么一说,我也在心里说:是啊,爱情是没有公式的。

临走时,我对ANN表示了感谢,ANN微笑着说她很感谢我与她分享。

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阅读 ()评论 (17)
评论
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '杜鹃盛开' 的评论 :很高兴杜鹃喜欢我的文字!也向你学习!你的文字可硬,可软,写作风格呈现多样化。我不是写英文小说,是自己学着译写自己的短篇,挺有意思。 我的英文最高程度是大学六级,很不够用!多谢杜娟的鼓励,慢慢学习...
杜鹃盛开 回复 悄悄话 非常喜欢你关于环境、人物的描写,细腻贴切,叙述风格舒缓自然。还会英文写作,大赞!
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 'nightrider' 的评论 : 下面这句我从您那学习了“laugher ”。两句中的笑,前一个笑是指的NICK自己的笑,后面的笑是两人一起的笑。再次感谢指导!
“Oh, yes, Black bear! I am a black bear, you are panda bear! Nick shouted and laughed.
Waves of their laugher pervaded the room.
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 'nightrider' 的评论 :
这段我大部分按您的建议改了,只保留了一点作者自己内心中,一点外人可能不太懂的意思。 Her eyes reached a shelve near the chocolate area, that’s a shelf with stuffed toys. Apparently it has been swept earlier. Part of the shelf was empty, with only a few stuffed toys, some knocked upside down, scattered upon it. She caught sight of a brown teddy bear, a little white bear, a pink one, all very cute. She walked to the shelf, with a vague idea in mind and a solid hope in heart.
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '过客手笺' 的评论 : 这段我接受你的建议,改成一面的了:
Valentine’s Day morning, Nick came, along with him was a blast of crisp air and the fragrance from a bunch of captivating roses in his hands. He looked fresh. his face was slightly brightened up by the roses.
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '暖冬cool夏' 的评论 : 谢谢暖冬看得仔细!从你的博文就看出你是个不论写作,还是做其它事情都很认真的人。我当时脑子有点短路,没有去COPY,而是又照着打印出的文稿又手打了一次,结果就出现了两个低级错误,一处是你现在指出的,另一处是九月过指的。ANN 看得很仔细,帮我校正了一处动词与名词用错的地方, exist和existence. 这个crisp也是我在读英文小说时,才学到的!:-)
我去看了你以前发的学英文贴,不错,有空再去接着学!
祝好!
非常感谢你,九月,以及NIGHTRIDER对我这两段英文小译的关注和指教!
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '暖冬cool夏' 的评论 : 我在骰子的评论中看到了对于“学贯中西”的置疑。感觉他说的有道理。记得前段时间,看朋友圈转发的一篇王朔的文,说几位国内著名的小说家,到了纽约后,为保持母语的纯正,坚持不学英文。
反正我们又不是什么作家,就大胆地去试,去找乐趣吧!
暖冬cool夏 回复 悄悄话 A Very nice try!
For your reference, it is "crisp air" (清冽的空气), not crispy(脆), which is used to describe food.
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 'nightrider' 的评论 : Thank you so much for the literary translation and editing! I can feel the difference and will take more effort on this article as your suggested!
nightrider 回复 悄悄话 Nice article. Couldn't help but notice that a few places in your English prose that could use some editing. 过客手笺 did a nice job already. Here are my two cents for some of the obvious parts. More work is needed, but it takes more effort.

Your prose: Her eyes reached a shelf near the chocolate area, that’s a shelf with stuffed toys. She could see people having swept there, Part of the shelf was empty, only a few stuffed toys, upside down, were scattering on the shelves. She saw one brown teddy bear, one white little bear, a pink bear, all cute. She walked to the shelf with a blurry idea in mind and a solid hope in heart.

My suggestion: She noticed a shelf in the chocolate section of the store, part empty, apparently having been swept earlier, with only a few stuffed toys, some knocked upside down, scattered upon it. She caught sight of a brown teddy bear, a little white bear, a pink, all very cute. ...

"... with a blurry idea in mind and a solid hope in heart" reads awkward. You may say "... with a vague idea and a strong hope". But judging from the context, it still sounds vague and may not convey the emotion and idea you intend to.

"The waves of their laughing pervaded the room" should read "waves of their laughter pervaded the room." Also, following right on the heels of "Nick shouted and laughed", another narration of laughing sounds repetitive.
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 'ziqiao123' 的评论 : 是啊!不是直接写的,也是先写的中文,再译写的。不过在译写的过程中,中文版本的文字也得到了改进。有这种想法,是因为读了英文小说后,体会到了作者描绘的细腻,用词的潜心,就有了这种把学到的东西拿来用的欲望。
ziqiao123 回复 悄悄话 你还写英文小说呢?身边有像ANN这样的朋友真是一种缘分和福气。
魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '过客手笺' 的评论:改得很好!读起来很顺。知道了,我慢慢去悟:-)我读一本英文小说,还时常要停下来查词意。周日同乐! :
过客手笺 回复 悄悄话 “Her eyes reached a shelf near the chocolate area, that’s a shelf with stuffed toys. She could see people having swept there, Part of the shelf was empty, only a few stuffed toys, upside down, were scattering on the shelves. She saw one brown teddy bear, one white little bear, a pink bear, all cute. She walked to the shelf with a blurry idea in mind and a solid hope in heart."—— 我的建议

Her eyes reached a shelf stuffed with toys, nearby were some chocolate. She noticed it was swept earlier, part of it was empty, only a few stuffed toys, upside down, scattering on it. She saw one brown teddy bear, another white, and also a pink one, all cute......

总之,在英文语句里,也与中文一样,不要有多余的重复单词。。。我的浅见,与你分享。下面几段英文你也可以试着改改看。星期天快乐!:)

魏薇 回复 悄悄话 回复 '过客手笺' 的评论 : 太好了!就知道你会帮我改!:-)ANN也发现了我两处错误。
过客手笺 回复 悄悄话 “In Valentine’s Day morning, Nick came, along with him was a blast of crispy air and the fragrance from a bunch of captivating roses in his hands. He looked fresh, his face was slightly brightened rosy by the roses.” 这句话我想帮你修改一下——

Valentine's Day morning, Nick came, brought a bunch of captivating roses, along with a blast of crispy air and fragrance. Looking fresh, his face was slightly brightened up by the roses.
过客手笺 回复 悄悄话 仔仔细细读了这篇,对照我的小说,终于悟出点差别了,你对人和环境的细节描写非常到位,而我几乎没有那样的描写,这是我要慢慢学着改进提高的。

“A rush of sweet feeling rishing inside her" 里有个typo,应该是rising
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