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https://www.complex.com/pop-culture/2012/10/50-most-ridiculous-lifetime-movies/
The 50 Most Ridiculous Lifetime Movies
With less-than-flattering headlines routinely calling attention to Lindsay Lohan's every move, it's easy to forget that it was acting, not alcoholism, that initially put her on the map. Rumors of unprofessional conduct on sets and other bad behavior have long plagued the Bynes-hating tabloid fixture, making it no big surprise that she's had a notable gap in employment since her role in 2010's Machete.
For better or worse, that changes this coming month with Lohan assuming the titular role of Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime's forthcoming Liz & Dick, debuting November 25th. The network, creator and collector of the most awesomely campy, awesomely schmaltzy, and awesomely bad cinema, feels like it couldn't be a more suitable home for what's destined to be the unintentional comedy event of the season.
It's a place where off-the-grid stars discreetly make ends meet, where former A-listers go to retire and D-listers dream of being discovered, and where cheesy made-for-TV originals and straight-to-DVD tales of murderous boyfriends and flocks of wild horses coexist in sweet, sweet harmony. In honor of the latest gem to grace the channel's airwaves, check out our exhaustive list of its other so-bad-they're-good classics: The 50 Most Ridiculous Lifetime Movies.
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Written by Lauren Otis (@LaurNado)
50. Cyber Seduction: His Secret Life
Original Air Date: June 20, 2005
Director: Tom McLoughlin
Stars: Jeremy Sumpter, Lyndsy Fonseca, John Robinson, Kelly Lynch
Lesson Learned: Your porn habit will ruin your life.
Jeremy Sumpter (of Friday Night Lights fame) handles balls of a different variety in this 2005 gem about a teen whose addiction to Internet porn sends his life spiraling out of control. After his first taste of X-rated action, he can't seem to get enough, racking up bills on his parents' credit cards, downloading vids onto his girlfriend's devices, and even doing some flagrant browsing at school. Soon the poor kid is getting beat up, suspended from his swim team, and even experiencing thoughts of suicide.
Really, Lifetime? We have an equally fitting title for this precautionary flick: Any Dude's Sunday Afternoon.
49. Co-Ed Call Girl
Original Air Date: February 11, 1996
Director: Michael Ray Rhodes
Stars: Tori Spelling, Susan Blakely, Scott Plank
Lesson Learned: Easy money comes at a (grimy) price.
Tori Spelling resumes her reign as the queen of unintentionally funny cinema with her starring role in 1996's Co-Ed Call Girl. When a friend's prank on bookish college student Joanna (Spelling) scores her an invite to a Malibu beach party, she finds herself seduced by the glamorous lifestyle of a crew that turns out to be a pimp (Scott Plank) and his associates. The glitz gets the best of Joanna and the broke star forgoes the standard library or cafe gigs to instead try her hand at high-class ho-ing.
Unfortunately (SHOCKER!) things don't go quite as planned, and soon it's pimps up, hos down for the protagonist. If you're in the mood to feel like a horrible person by cracking up at would-be devastating moments (i.e., the creepy piano player that breathily chides a geisha-looking Spelling with one-liners like, "Ron said you like to have a good time!" and "ON THE FIRST NOTE, JOANNA!!" before having her perform the most awkward strip routine ever), this is indeed the movie for you.
48. More of Me
Original Air Date: November 17, 2007
Director: Daisy von Scherler Mayer
Stars: Molly Shannon, Steven Weber, Kimberly Huie
Lesson Learned: Be careful what you wish for.
Since the producers at Lifetime know that what everyone really wants in life is more of Molly Shannon, they generously quenched that collective thirst in the form of 2007's More of Me. Her character Alice, an overextended wife, mother of twins, and dedicated activist, wishes there was an easier way to juggle it all. In true Are You Afraid of the Dark fashion, three clones pop out of her three-way mirror, each stepping in to handle a different aspect of her life.
Though they don't collectively turn on her and try to butcher her in her sleep, no one really wants to watch someone else banging their husband—even if it is a well-meaning doppelganger. Cue the George Bailey-esque wake-up call.
47. 12 Men of Christmas
Original Air Date: December 5, 2009
Director: Arlene Sanford
Stars: Kristin Chenoweth, Josh Hopkins, Anna Chlumsky
Lesson Learned: Beefcake equals business.
Nope, you didn't read the title wrong. In the cheesiest-ever play on the beloved Christmas ballad, this 2009 Lifetime flick swaps out the partridges and golden rings in favor of half-naked dudes from Kalispell, MT.
In this case, they aren't gifts from someone's true love, but a crew of guys recruited to pose for a calendar devised to stimulate tourism in the town where recently-single publicist E.J. Baxter (Kristin Chenoweth) resides after discovering an affair between her boss and fiancé. (Damn, can't any of these chicks catch a break?) Don't worry, though. We'll leave it to you to guess which of the 12 chiseled studmuffins she ends up ringing in the new year with.
46. Liz & Dick
Original Air Date: November 25th, 2012
Director: Lloyd Kramer
Stars: Lindsay Lohan, Grant Bowler
Lesson Learned: Famous people have problems too.
Though this list-inspiring flick makes its debut on the 25th, far be it from us to deny it a spot after unleashing a trailer of this caliber. Dubbed Lindsay Lohan's "highly anticipated comeback movie role" (well, by its makers), we don't doubt that Liz & Dick is indeed one of the network's most eagerly awaited offerings. But for the right reasons?
As lovers of bad cinema, our spots on the couch were as good as locked down after listening to that characteristic Lohan voice crack as she cries, "WHO'S COUNTING?!" towards the end. Hey, who couldn't use another reason to drink on a Sunday?
45. Another Woman's Husband
Original Air Date: March 6, 2000
Director: Noel Nosseck
Stars: Lisa Rinna, Gail O'Grady, Dale Midkiff
Lesson Learned: How well do you really know your significant other?
Imagine Brandy and Monica's "The Boy is Mine" video was fleshed out into an 87-minute movie and set in a pool. Throw in a traumatic childhood incident in the Bahamas that's left one woman terrified of swimming, a loving swim instructor, and a creeping husband that's not above assuming false identities to get laid elsewhere, and you officially have Another Woman's Husband. Do with that information what you will.
44. Danielle Steel's Daddy
Original Air Date: October 23, 1991
Director: Michael Miller
Stars: Patrick Duffy, Kate Mulgrew, Lynda Carter, John Anderson
Lesson Learned: Ben Affleck had to start somewhere.
Danielle Steel's name in the title alone should clue you in to imminent ridiculousness. The presence of Step by Step's Patrick Duffy and his tender "Sup, ladies?" countenance on the flick's cover, too, alludes to unintended hilarity.
In this book-to-TV special, Duffy takes on the role of dad Oliver, whose wife walks out on the family in order to head to graduate school. Further adding to the guy's good luck streak is his son (Ben Affleck) acting out in response, ultimately knocking up his sleazy girlfriend. But don't worry! There's a silver lining here for Oliver: He ends up rebounding with a Hollywood star (Wonder Woman's Lynda Carter)!
43. On the Edge of Innocence
Original Air Date: April 20, 1997
Director: Peter Werner
Stars: James Marsden, Kellie Martin
Lesson Learned: Asylums are just as reliable pick-up spots as bars.
Love stories have played out just about everywhere, so it was only a matter of time before someone decided to place a pair of soul mates in a mental institution for some Girl, Interrupted-meets-Romeo and Juliet-style action.
The manic-depressive Zoe (Kellie Martin) becomes acquainted with the generally out of control, but not especially crazy-seeming Jake (James Marsden) when their parents commit them to the same institution. After their budding romance is discovered, they're discouraged from seeing one another by the staff, who try to keep them separated, fearing their progress will be jeopardized. Pushed to their limits, they do what any pair of dogged patient-lovers would do: attempt to flee to Mexico.
42. Magic Beyond Words: The J.K. Rowling Story
Original Air Date: July 18, 2011
Director: Paul A. Kaufman
Stars: Poppy Montgomery
Lesson Learned: Some authors' stories are best left untold—at least on the Lifetime screen.
We're pretty certain wordsmith J.K. Rowling never would've approved this beyond-lame biopic, if she's even aware that it exists. The Harry Potter author has an inspiring story, no doubt, but just as we wouldn't want the Hogwarts crew tainted by some mediocre translation to the screen, we expect its creator to be extended the same courtesy—especially if we're about to get way too familiar with her love life. Mmm, just what you wanted: steamy PG-13 makeouts with Rowling's former husband, Jorge!
41. Lying to Be Perfect
Original Air Date: January 30, 2010
Director: Gary Harvey
Stars: Poppy Montgomery, Adam Kaufman
Lesson Learned: Beauty is on the inside, y'all.
Poppy Montgomery—a.k.a. bootleg J.K. Rowling—returns to the Lifetime screen as Nola Devlin, a put-upon, plus-sized magazine editor who, unbeknownst to the discriminatory staff, moonlights as its foxy advice columnist, "Belinda Apple." (After pitching herself, she's dismissed and told she's merely a "big girl with a big dream." Damn. Who even talks like that?) That said, the star's weight struggle and "Cinderella pact" to drop pounds with her friends might be a bit easier to buy were the crew not stuffed into some of the most exceptionally budget-looking fat suits only surpassed by Kaley Cuoco's. (More on her later.)
Making things even more difficult is the fact that her alter ego has an advice book due out that she's expected to make appearances in support of. Oh, and she's also been dating her publisher's son, who's been lying about his identity the whole time. Yeahh, maybe Poppy should've just stuck with J.K. Rowling.
40. Not Like Everyone Else
Original Air Date: July 10, 2006
Director: Tom McLoughlin
Stars: Alia Shawkat, Ileana Douglas, Erica Schweig
Lesson Learned: Kindles are clutch when it comes to compromising reading.
We have a hunch that Brandi Blackbear, the vaguely goth Oklahoma student on whom this TV movie is based, probably wouldn't have been too psyched about having a cheesy Lifetime movie made about her. Just a guess.
Alia Shawkat stars as the dogged high-schooler in 2006's dramatic reenactment of her story. In what feels like some weird neo-Salem witch hunt, Blackbear, who's spotted picking up a book on Wicca, gets dubbed a witch and starts facing accusations of having put a hex on one of her teachers. Soon after? Suspension. (WHAAAT?!)
More ridiculous than the Lifetime-y dialogue and watching Maeby Fünke play goth is the fact that this actually happened—in 1999 no less. Wasn't witchcraft supposed to be hot for a minute? And where did they see her picking up that book, Urban Outfitters? Shame on you, Oklahoma, and shame on you, Lifetime.
39. Fifteen and Pregnant
Original Air Date: January 19, 1998
Director: Sam Pillsbury
Stars: Kirsten Dunst, Park Overall, David Andrews
Lesson Learned: Don't forget to wrap it up!
If you thought the pensive-looking pregnant chick in the photo looked familiar, you were absolutely right. Just about every actor and actress has a few cinematic skeletons lurking in their closet (not unlike Ben Affleck, whose appearance in Danielle Steel's Daddy we previously blew up).
Were you to take a journey into the depths of Kirsten Dunst's extensive IMDb profile, you'd find her role as Fifteen and Pregnant's Tina Spangler lingering just beneath Small Soldiers. As you probably deduced from the title, the star is 15...and pregnant. Though not as quirky as Juno, the Lifetime flick is still chock full of quality one-liners. ("SPERM DOESN'T ENTITLE YOU TO MUCH!")
38. Inspector Mom
Original Air Date: November 18, 2006
Director: Brad Keller
Stars: Danica McKellar
Lesson Learned: Danica McKellar aged pret-ty damn well.
Oh, Winnie Cooper, you didn't have to do this. You really didn't. Per Lifetime, "Whether it's the murder of a bullying soccer coach, the poisoning of the judge of a bake-off, or the stalking of a little old lady down the road, Maddie is there to solve the crime!" Our question: Where the hell are her kids enrolled? And why haven't they moved?!
37. Lies My Mother Told Me
Original Air Date: March 7, 2005
Director: Christian Duguay
Stars: Joely Richardson, Hayden Panettiere
Lesson Learned: Sometimes the best gifts are homemade.
This time, mom's secret isn't that she secretly loves chasing criminals, but that she actually is one of them. Single mama Laren (Joely Richardson) takes her daughter Haylei (Hayden Panettiere) on the run with her after attempting to pay for Christmas presents with a stolen credit card, getting caught and facing prison time.
From there, the two ride out the trip on false identities and sketchy forms of payment until they make it to Vegas...where the real trouble begins. (Note: This definitely strikes us as one of those instances in which a plain old "Merry Christmas" card really would've sufficed.)
36. Girl's Best Friend
Original Air Date: February 2, 2008
Director: Peter Svatek
Stars: Janeane Garofalo
Lesson Learned: Janeane Garofalo has a heart, too, guys.
Girl's Best Friend in a nutshell: Janeane Garafalo drives cross-country with a dog. It teaches her how to love again. Are we excited yet?!
35. Killer Hair
Original Air Date: June 21, 2009
Director: Jerry Ciccoritti
Stars: Maggie Lawson, Sadie LeBlanc
Lesson Learned: Fashion saves.
When a dead body surfaces at a friend's hair salon, "Crimes of Fashion" style columnist Lacey Smithsonian (Maggie Lawson) is put on the case. (Why a fashion columnist is encouraged to investigate murders is beyond our realm of guessing, but we digress.) Despite being ruled a suicide by police and the coroner, associates of the dead stylist deduce that girlfriend never would've been caught dead—literally—with that haggard haircut, so it's time to get some answers.
Adding extra fuel to the fire: Smithsonian's ex-boo just happens to move to her city—and get assigned to her case as the lead investigator. What the what? If this sounds like your idea of a badass Saturday night, you'll probably want to take in Hostile Makeover then as well.
34. Reckless Behavior: Caught on Tape
Original Air Date: June 17, 2007
Director: Donald Wrye
Stars: Odette Yustman, Antonio Sabato Jr.
Lesson Learned: What happens while on spring break will never fail to haunt you long after.
One teacher's (Odette Yustman) spring break vacation takes a Lifetime-y turn for the worst after a vacation video is doctored to look like a Girls Gone Wild knockoff, with footage of goofs with friends being intertwined with porn and uploaded to the 'net. In turn, her relationship with her fiancé and her career are compromised. Additional lesson learned: Avoid faking orgasms when there's a weirdo with a camera following you around.
33. Uncaged Heart
Original Air Date: April 1, 2007
Director: Allan Harmon
Stars: Julie Warner, Sebastian Spence, Jessica Harmon
Lesson Learned: Prison booty is bad booty.
Oz fans, remember feeling all kinds of uncomfortable when Sister Pete started catching feelings for Chris Keller in the third season? Uncaged Heart, despite sounding like it's about horses, dares to take that psychologist-inmate tension to weird new heights as Janet Tarr (Julie Warner) gets emotionally and, um, physically caught up with robber Robert Moss (Sebastian Spence) after she helps secure his parole. Tough break for her that she realizes how uncool he is once he's back on her side of the bars.
32. Danielle Steel's Palomino
Original Air Date: October 21, 1991
Director: Michael Miller
Stars: Lindsay Frost, Lee Horsely, Rod Taylor
Lesson Learned: Horses make everything more epic.
In a story that just as easily could've been lifted from Nicholas Sparks' pages, recently separated photographer Samantha (Lindsay Frost) opts to recoup and enjoy a change of scene by hitting her friend's ranch. Surprise, surprise: She falls madly in love with one of the ranch hands, Tate (the aptly named and gratuitously 'stached Lee Horsley), and they have a good thing going before he suffers from feelings of inadequacy and peaces when he discovers homegirl's previous man was a successful news anchor.
Clearly unable to catch a break, Samantha becomes paralyzed in an accident—and her friend dies, leaving her the ranch. Can this unheard-of streak of bad luck break long enough for the heroine to get her man back? You'll have to steal your girl's mom's VHS tape to find out!
31. Hit and Run
Original Air Date: January 11, 1999
Director: Dan Lerner
Stars: Margaret Colin, Lisa Vidal, Drew Pillsbury
Lesson Learned: Your cell phone is your friend.
In 1999's Hit and Run, we're introduced to Joanna Kendall (Margaret Colin), a woman who accidentally hits a little girl with her car, then runs off to get help. Upon her return, an angry mob await, cursing whatever dickhead would dare flee the scene. Fearing their wrath, she keeps quiet and opts not to say anything about the incident. Her guilt builds up over the course of the movie until it causes her life to unravel.
We just have two words for Joanna: cell phone. (C'mon lady, it's 1999. Are people actually using pay phones as anything other than urinals at this point?)
30. Her Fatal Flaw
Original Air Date: September 24, 2006
Director: George Mendeluk
Stars: Victoria Pratt, Vincent Spano
Lesson Learned: Family and business are best kept separated.
Some would say that prominent lawyer Laney Hennessy's (Victoria Pratt) fatal flaw was making a conscious decision to defend her murder suspect fiancé (Vincent Spano) in court. Other might say that actress Victoria Pratt's fatal flaw was making a conscious decision to play Laney Hennessy.
29. A Valentine Carol
Original Air Date: February 11, 2007
Director: Mark Jean
Stars: Emma Caulfield, Barbara Niven, John Reardon
Lesson Learned: Are you overanalyzing your love life enough?
In lieu of ghosts of Christmas past, cynical radio host Ally Sims (Emma Caulfield) is presented with past, present, and future Valentine's Days by her late mentor (Barbara Niven) that returns from the grave to help her see the error of her narsty ways. Can she learn the true meaning of love before her upcoming wedding day?! We wouldn't dare spoil the surprise for you.
28. Secret Sins of the Father
Original Air Date: January 9, 1994
Director: Beau Bridges
Stars: Beau Bridges, Lloyd Bridges
Lesson Learned: Father-son collaborations are best left to the Pinkett-Smith family.
Per Lifetime, Secret Sins of the Father offers "two members of the Bridges family in one movie—what more could you ask for?" Our answer: a lot, particularly when they're starring in a special that forces us to believe there's a woman out there that would actually sleep with both of them. This causes a dramatic rift between the bitter sheriff (Beau Bridges) and his dad (his real-life father Lloyd Bridges), who he accuses of murdering his mother.
27. A Nanny for Christmas
Original Air Date: November 23, 2010
Director: Michael Feifer
Stars: Emmanuelle Vaugier, Dean Cain, Richard Ruccolo
Lesson Learned: Dean Cain will do any movie.
Oh, Superman, how far you've fallen. Remember when you were scratching your head and wondering what ever happened to Dean Cain? You weren't? Well, in any event, despite playing the occasional creeper on Law & Order: SVU, he found himself a new calling in TV movies—more specifically, gems like The Dog Who Saved Halloween, Operation Cupcake, and of course, A Nanny for Christmas. In all two of his scenes, he shines as the lost client-turned-guardian angel of a canned ad exec (Emmanuelle Vaugier) forced to take on a nannying gig. Rough.
26. A Woman Scorned: The Betty Broderick Story
Original Air Date: March 1, 1992
Director: Dick Lowry
Stars: Meredith Baxter, Stephen Collins
Lesson Learned: Try to keep those splits amicable.
They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned—especially if she's Betty motherfuckin' Broderick. When the loose cannon's (Meredith Baxter) husband (Stephen Collins, a.k.a. REVEREND CAMDEN) leaves his wife of 16 years for his younger legal assistant with whom he's been carrying on an affair, she's not too pleased about it.
And that's an understatement. Breaking vases and burning her man's clothes are the least of the rejected wife's wrath. Imagine your ex barreled through your front door via her car. The bonkers event almost upstages Betty murdering the Rev and his new wifey in their bed.
25. Bad to the Bone
Original Air Date: October 19, 1997
Director: Bill L. Norton
Stars: Kristy Swanson, Jeremy London, David Chokachi
Lesson Learned: Know how to spot a gold digger—it could save your life.
Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BAAAAD(!) couldn't be a more accurate sum-up of this 1997 made-for-TV classic starring a pre-Celebrity Rehab Jeremy London and Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Kristy Swanson. Not allowing Cruel Intentions' Sarah Michelle Gellar to take the lead in the apparent race between slayers to dive into roles involving creepy sibling relations, Swanson starred as a money-hungry man-eater who cons her questionably enamored brother into offing her boyfriend. But not before killing her mom for insurance money.
24. Danielle Steel's Full Circle
Original Air Date: September 9, 1996
Director: Bethany Rooney
Stars: Teri Polo, Corbin Bernsen, Reed Diamond, Nicolas Coster
Lesson Learned: History repeats itself in really creepy ways.
Destined to make you feel better about your own weird life, this Danielle Steel adaptation introduces us to the Roberts family, a crew in which protagonist Tana (Teri Polo) has the hots for her best friend's (Reed Diamond) married dad (Corbin Bernsen), disregarding said friend's not-so-platonic love for her. Also not helping? Her mom's affair with the also-married Arthur (Nicolas Coster), whose creepy son turns out to be the molesting kind. Suddenly your fam showcasing those embarrassing middle school photos to your friends doesn't seem quite so bad.
23. Invisible Child
Original Air Date: March 8, 1999
Director: Joan Micklin Silver
Stars: Rita Wilson, Victor Garber, Tushka Bergen
Lesson Learned: When in doubt, quote MLK.
We'd call Invisible Child a shameless rip-off of Lars and the Real Girl, but this cheesy made-for-TV dud was actually released nearly a decade earlier (so maybe that makes Lars a shameless, but thoughtful and well-executed rip-off?). In this instance, Rita Wilson stars as mom Annie, who's convinced that she has three children instead of the actual two. Her family struggles to be accommodating, assisting her husband (Victor Garber) in pretending her invisible daughter is real, mainly out of fear that they could be split up were anyone to report her condition.
Regretfully, the fam's trifling nanny puts a call into child protective services. Who'd have guessed that the glue to keep them together would be Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech. No, seriously.
22. A Very Cool Christmas
Original Air Date: December 20, 2004
Director: Sam Irvin
Stars: Brooke Nevin, George Hamilton, Donna Mills
Lesson Learned: You're never too cool to feel the holiday love.
The title of this made-for-TV movie almost immediately makes you question the coolness of this Christmas, but we digress. A teen (Brooke Nevin) that heckles Santa at a mall is shocked when he confesses that he's the real deal—but needs a little help getting his holiday groove back. What's a girl to do? Hook Señor Kringle up with an extreme makeover, of course. Soon, he's hitting the gym, the salon, and viewers are presented with a new metro Santa that they'll never be able to repress.
21. A Friend's Betrayal
Original Air Date: May 19, 1996
Director: Christopher Leitch
Stars: Brian Austin Green, Sharon Lawrence, Harley Jane Kozak
Lesson Learned: Thirsty friends should be kept far away from your growing children.
The inter-generational love flows freely on Lifetime. Mr. Megan Fox (Brian Austin Green) stars as teen photographer Paul Hewitt, who more than bonds with his mom's friend Nina (Sharon Lawrence) on a trip the two take at her suggestion. Predictably, the two fall in love, much to the disdain of his mom (Harley Jane Kozak), who strives to put an end to the star-crossed cougar antics. Unpredictably, the situation reaches a dramatic climax with Paul's sister randomly getting hit by a car.
20. Friends 'Til the End
Original Air Date: January 20, 1997
Director: Jack Bender
Stars: Shannen Doherty, Jason London, Jennifer Blanc
Lesson Learned: Your awesome new friend is probably trying to destroy you.
Well, the title's a little misleading here. And with Shannen Doherty as one of the leads, you can already be pretty certain that the titular friendship is as good as fucked. In this case, however, the crazy party surprisingly isn't Doherty but her new BFF (Jennifer Blanc), who's held a grudge against her since childhood.
After being institutionalized, hooking herself up with a new alias, and enrolling herself at Heather's (Doherty) college, Zanne (formerly Suzanne) wheedles her way into her target's life and attempts to destroy it from within. As you can guess, it's hard to be friends 'til the end when one of your girls is attempting to live out a reboot of Single White Female.
19. A Fare to Remember
Original Air Date: 1998
Director: James Yukich
Stars: Malcolm-Jamal Warner, Challen Cates, Max Alexander
Lesson Learned: Your grisly cabbie might just be worth a second look.
Reinforcing the schmaltzy adage that love can be found in the least expected places is 1998's A Fare to Remember. Challen Cates stars as exec Tamara Gault, who, in the wake of learning that all flights have been canceled, is forced to take a cab from Seattle to Los Angeles to make it to her wedding on time. Desperate, she hires a cabbie (Malcolm-Jamal Warner) who, against all expectation, seems to be down to accommodate her road trip. (Dude obviously wasn't from New York.)
From there, romance blooms and she's forced to examine if she still wants the life she's returning home to. Sorry, did that make you dry heave? Yeah, us too.
18. Twisted Desire
Original Air Date: May 13, 1996
Director: Craig R. Baxley
Stars: Melissa Joan Hart, Daniel Baldwin, Jeremy Jordan
Lesson Learned: Hot former Nickelodeon stars take some serious turns for the worst.
Forget everything you thought you knew about Clarissa Darling (a.k.a. Melissa Joan Hart). When she's not explaining it all, the characteristically nice Nickelodeon star is manipulating dudes into killing her parents (an uncharacteristically sober Danny Baldwin, and Isabella Hoffman). Or, well, one in particular. Little does her pawn Nick (Jeremy Jordan) know that it's really all a plot to get them out of the way so she can go back to dating her football hero ex, Brad! Contain your excitement, please.
17. A Job to Kill For
Original Air Date: June 27, 2006
Director: Bill Corcoran
Stars: Sean Young, Georgia Craig, Ari Cohen
Lesson Learned: It pays to double—maybe even triple-check those references.
Before Sean "LACES OUT, DAN!" Young developed a bad addiction to booze and got herself cast on Celebrity Rehab (yet another alum!), she was starring in treasures like 2006's A Job to Kill For. In the film, we witness ad exec Jennifer Kamplan (Young) prowling for a new assistant as she struggles to handle her flailing marriage.
At the outset, new hire Stacy Sherman (Georgia Craig) seems to show initiative and a strong work ethic. However, her devotion to her boss starts to take a turn for the weird when she starts murdering the competition (literally), even offing a dude that ripped off Kamplan's car mirror.
16. Abducted: A Father's Love
Original Air Date: March 31, 1996
Director: Chuck Bowman
Stars: Chris Noth, Loryn Locklin
Lesson Learned: Women can be assholes, too.
In what appear to be efforts to break away from the standard "men are evil" POV the network's come to be associated with, Abducted: A Father's Love made its debut in 1996. Law & Order's Chris Noth was enlisted to star as desperate dad Larry Coster, a man forced to kidnap his daughter to spare her from his abusive ex-wife and her idiot boyfriend. As the FBI is alerted to the well-meaning dude's crime, he develops an alliance with an underground network of moms that help him elude them as he aims to make his way across the country. Oh, Lifetime.
15. Fatal Lessons: The Good Teacher
Original Air Date: April 5, 2004
Director: Michael Scott
Stars: Erika Eleniak, Patricia Kalember, Ken Tremblett
Lesson Learned: Tutor your own damn children.
Titles can be deceptive. In yet another reincarnation of Single White Female, the "good teacher" is actually code for a crazed tutor (Erika Eleniak) who charms her way into a student's family only to wreak havoc with attempted poisonings, creepy phone calls, and stabs at convincing the husband that his wife is nuts. This only affirms our theories dating back to high school that just about anyone can get a teaching job.
14. A Face to Kill For
Original Air Date: April 14, 1999
Director: Michael Toshiyuki Uno
Stars: Crystal Bernard, Doug Savant, Billy Dean
Lesson Learned: Fortune favors the attractive.
Remember Mask? That Cher movie about the red-headed dude with the disfigured face? Take a moment to meditate on a hybrid of that and pretty much any movie where someone gets screwed by a double-crossing spouse and you have A Face to Kill For.
Since this is Lifetime, the special wouldn't be complete without a few horses, so Rocky Dennis is reincarnated as trainer Allison Bevens (Crystal Bernard), a woman sent to prison after being set up by her husband (Doug Savant). Against dude's expectations, his boo's time behind bars is a time of renewal, and before long she's scored herself some quality plastic surgery and is back out for blood. If you're watching this hoping to see the next Kill Bill, though...don't hold your breath.
13. Death of a Cheerleader
Original Air Date: September 26, 1994
Director: William A. Graham
Stars: Kellie Martin, Tori Spelling, James Avery
Lesson Learned: Cover your damn tracks.
Tori Spelling unleashes one of her bitchiest performances to date in this campy '90s teen drama that begs the question, "Would you kill to be popular?" Apparently Angela Delvecchio (Kellie Martin) would. After wheedling her way into the popular clique (Isn't that enough?!), she's desperate to get queen bee Stacy Lockwood (Spelling) to like her. That's when things start to get weird.
In attempts to get her idol alone, the obsessed Lockwood lies about an event for their crew, then, once the two are together, explains her actions and just how deep her Stacy worship goes. Appropriately creeped out, but slightly harsh in her rejecting of homegirl's friendship advances, the reality star ends up getting stabbed repeatedly with a knife and left for dead. How this gem didn't win an Emmy, we'll never understand.
12. She's Too Young
Original Air Date: February 16, 2004
Director: Tom McLoughlin
Stars: Alexis Dziena, Marcia Gay Harden, Mike Erwin
Lesson Learned: That "cold sore" on your teen's lip...probably not a cold sore.
The title of this 2004 TV movie is naggingly cryptic. Given the vast number of Lifetime-y issues that've plagued various characters over the years, it feels like the sky is the limit here. She's Too Young...to become a mail-order bride? To develop a meth addiction? Nope, in this case it's syphilis. (SYPHILIS!!!)
Alexis Dziena—whom you might recognize as E's annoying rebound on Entourage—assumes the lead in this campy look at teen sex lives, starring as a 14-year-old girl whose friends pressure her to start showing her sleazy man (ahem) the love below. Like clockwork, one star after the other begins to get infected with syph, but that doesn't stop them from hitting up wild teen orgy parties. Per the site, "Parents and teenagers should watch this Lifetime Original Movie together." Because that won't be awkward.
11. The Babysitter's Seduction
Original Air Date: January 22, 1996
Director: David Burton Morris
Stars: Keri Russell, Stephen Collins, Phylicia Rashad
Lesson Learned: Sitters, let daddy's wandering eye wander elsewhere.
Mmm, who ranks higher on the list of people you want to see hook up than Felicity's Keri Russell and Reverend Camden from Seventh Heaven? No one, that's who! That's why it's all here and more in yet another tale of dirty dalliances between dads and babysitters.
In this case, dad Bill Bartrand (Stephen Collins) begins to lay the mack on his hired help (Russell) just around the time of his wife's death. You'd think that'd be a bit of a red flag, but the star fails to notice that Bartrand's seduction sessions are better helping him to frame her for the murder that he committed. You'll never look at Reverend Camden in the same way.
10. Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?
Original Air Date: September 30, 1996
Director: Jorge Montesi
Stars: Tori Spelling, Ivan Sergei, Todd Caldecott
Lesson Learned: Your parents are probably right about your shady girlfriend.
Mothers—just the people we don't want to think about when it comes to sleeping with danger. In this rare exception, Laurel Lewisohn (Tori Spelling) should've heeded her mother's warnings about the bad vibes her sketchy man-friend (Ivan Sergei) was giving off. Maybe then she wouldn't have ended up getting held hostage in a cabin in the woods, ultimately having to canoe paddle herself to safety.
9. The Pregnancy Pact
Original Air Date: January 23, 2010
Director: Rosemary Rodriguez
Stars: Thora Birch, Madisen Beaty, David Clayton Rogers
Lesson Learned: Underage motherhood is best left to the chicks on Teen Mom.
As we've mentioned in the past, whether it's i-dosing or vodka eyeballing, teens are never at a loss for ridiculous ways to temporarily elude reality. In this case, however, the entourage of pregnant Gloucester High chicks egging their friend on to get knocked up to "complete the circle" are pretty clearly on another planet already.
Thora Birch stars as alum Sidney Bloom, who's investigating the recent spike in teen pregnancies after the school's rate rises from 10 to 18 in a matter of weeks. The lack of contraception, as the always entertaining Camryn Manheim (who plays the school's nurse) points out, isn't especially helping. Also not helping: creepy aspirations of Stepford wife-dom at age 15.
8. Crimes of Passion: She Woke Up Pregnant
Original Air Date: April 28, 1996
Director: James A. Contner
Stars: Michele Greene, William R. Moses, Lynda Carter, Joe Penny
Lesson Learned: Stick to local anesthesia.
The title here tells you about half of what you need to know. The real question: Who (if not the Lord, or a happily-snipped husband) got Connie Loftis (Michele Greene) pregnant? Well, imagine Jennifer Aniston's character in Horrible Bosses wasn't Jennifer Aniston, but a creepy dude with a bad '80s comb-over. Yeahhhhh. Makes you think twice about opting for that anesthesia on your next dentist visit.
7. To Be Fat Like Me
Original Air Date: January 8, 2007
Director: Douglas Barr
Stars: Kaley Cuoco, Caroline Rhea, Melissa Halstrom,
Lesson Learned: It ain't easy being big.
In the event this flick didn't win a spot on the list for the title alone, Kaley Cuoco in a fat suit pretty much makes it a shoo-in. (See the above photo.)
In a predictable weight-centric reinterpretation of Black Like Me, popular athlete Aly (Cuoco) dons a fat suit—and appears to age about 30 years—to go undercover for a documentary setting out to prove that personality can overcome the physical, and that larger people really don't have it so bad. But don't think this is just for fun: Girlfriend's out to win some contest prize money since her mother's (Caroline Rhea) binge eating resulted in hospital bills that cleaned out her college fund. Damn.
6. Honeymoon with Mom
Original Air Date: May 14, 2006
Director: Paul A. Kaufman
Stars: Shelley Long, Virginia Williams, Jack Scalia
Lesson Learned: Shelley Long must've been offered some serious compensation here.
Yet another flick with a title more laugh-worthy than the whole of the movie, Honeymoon with Mom tells the story of would-be bride Shannon Bates (Virginia Williams), who, after getting left at the altar, decides to make lemonade by inviting her mother (Shelley Long) to join in her honeymoon festivities. (More or less depressing than forgoing it altogether? You be the judge.)
Little does she know that her magazine editor mama has a hidden agenda: Her motive for attending is to try and score an interview with the reclusive ex-astronaut who owns the resort. That's right. Reclusive ex-astronaut—with whom Bates' mom eventually finds some chemistry cooking. Need we go on?
5. Baby Monitor: Sound of Fear
Original Air Date: January 27, 1998
Director: Walter Klenhard
Stars: Josie Bissett, Barbara Tyson, Jason Beghe
Lesson Learned: Ladies, never hire a perfect 10 to do your sitting.
Some people never learn. You'd think that after countless Hollywood scandals and questionable made-for-TV movie plots involving dad-on-nanny love, the ladies of the house would finally take a hint when it comes to hiring the help and opt for the awkward chick in orthodontic headgear over Kate Upton's booty short-wearing doppelganger.
Mom Carol (Barbara Tyson) regretfully drops the ball here and is shocked (unlike everyone else) to discover that her husband (Jason Beghe) is not only getting it in with the sitter ('90s cutie Josie Bissett)—the two also have a baby on the way. What's a scorned mom to do? Hire some inept thugs to off the chick and hold the kid hostage, allowing her to arrive on the scene and act the hero. Obviously.
4. Drew Peterson: Untouchable
Original Air Date: January 21, 2012
Director: Mikael Salomon
Stars: Rob Lowe, Kaley Cuoco, Catherine Dent
Lesson Learned: If your spouse has been married three times, you're probably in for an unpleasant discovery.
Kaley Cuoco ditches the fat suit and returns to the Lifetime screen as the MIA fourth wife of convicted wife-killer Drew Peterson (played by an intensely 'stached Rob Lowe). Though the film came out before the former Illinois cop was found guilty, the writers don't hold back with their takes on life at the Peterson household.
Among the woman-hating star's magic moments that you can't un-hear: an announcement to his son, who's just caught a glimpse of him naked, that, "He has a right to know why I'm called 'Big Daddy.'" Blerf.
3. I Me Wed
Original Air Date: July 19, 2007
Director: Craig Pryce
Stars: Erica Durance, Paul Popowich, Cara Pifko
Lesson Learned: You're always more attractive the second you're off the market.
Bad dates, teeth-pulling conversations, hours of unwanted snuggling...sometimes you almost wish you could marry yourself. Taking this idea to the next level is the flick's successful yet unlucky-in-love Isabelle (Erica Durance), who, sick of being nagged about when she's going to get taken off the market, decides to take matters into her own hands—by tying the knot with herself.
Once her strange self-proposal goes public and becomes a media sensation, what better a time for her prince charming (Paul Popowich) to show up and beg her to call it off? We bet you can guess what happens from there.
2. Walking the Halls
Original Air Date: January 7, 2012
Director: Doug Campbell
Stars: Caitlin Thompson, Jamie Luner, Al Sapienza, Matthew Alan
Lesson Learned: School cops aren't real cops.
Further giving paranoid moms reason to fear the people caring for their children is this past January's Walking the Halls. When troubles with Casey Benson's (Caitlin Thompson) boyfriend and home life send her into the waiting arms of the school's popular girls, she's surprised to find out that they all work as part of a call-girl ring run by—dun dun dun!—the school's security guard (Matthew Alan)!
Not that that matters. Soon, the 17-year-old is willingly entering the waiting arms of creepy older dudes, some more than twice her senior. Regrettably, her later efforts to remove herself from the ring aren't taken too kindly by the rent-a-cop and the family gets taken hostage. C'mon, Casey. Have we learned nothing from Co-Ed Call Girl?
1. My Stepson, My Lover
Original Air Date: June 25, 1997
Director: Mary Lambert
Stars: Rachel Ward, Joshua Morrow, Terry O'Quinn
Lesson Learned: Look for love outside the family.
Just as the title suggests, My Stepson, My Lover doesn't fail to deliver on the nauseating inter-generational/familial love, not that anyone who catches a glimpse of the 'stache on the husband (Terry O'Quinn) of restless nurse Caitlin Cory (Rachel Ward) can't immediately sense that it's just not gonna work out.
Once he gets neglectful to boot, it isn't long before Cory starts to notice just how dreamy her horseback riding stepson looks prancing around in slow-mo. Things advance between the two and, in typical Lifetime fashion, the cockblocking party turns up dead. Who's behind it? We'll just leave you with this: They end up paraplegic.
