Being Smart and Being Told You are Smart

My daughter called me on Monday evening.  It is the week before finals, so she has no more classes, and she has time to talk.  Unexpectedly she asked me a question.  She asked if it is true that she did not pass exam for selecting gifted kids in her elementary school.  I had no clue what she was talking about.  I knew for sure that she was in the gifted class.

She said she has not felt so dumb until now, because she is surrounded by smart kids.   There are two groups of students in her class.  The smart group are students who seem to understand a difficult concept effortlessly, with very minimal struggle, then, there is a not-so smart group of students. They work very hard and still have a hard time grasping the concept.   I asked her, which group does she belong? The not so smart group, she said.  I consoled her that she is probably somewhere in the middle.  

I asked her, what contributes to their smartness? Is it because of genetics? Heritage? Or is it because environment?   She said it is mostly due to environment, not inborn.  To show her proof, she said that parents of many smart friends are very successful and well to do. Very quickly, she added “I do not mean that you and mom are not successful. It is just many of my friends’parents are lawyers, CEOs,  doctors or professors, well connected".  I was not offended.

I jokely asked her if she is smart  because she is smart or she is smart because people keep on telling her that she is smart.  She selected the latter.

Being constantly reminded that one is smart can have negative consequence. One of them is the fear of trying new things and afraid of failure.  Instead, we should remind ourselves that it is ok to try new things and fail.   I had to stress that to her.

I know that there is something that I forgot to tell her.  Many hours later, it came to me that I meant to tell her that she might not be one of the smartest kids, but she is one of most diligent, meticulous, and responsible kids.  All her hardworking pays off.