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1 花 Flowers
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Place." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I am really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!' "
有一家公司开张,老板的一位朋友为了这件事要送他花。他们到达了新的公司地点，老板读了卡片的内容:“安息吧”。老板非常生气就打电话给花店抱怨。就在他告诉花店这项明显的错误，以及他有多么生气之后,花店却回答说：“先生,我真的对于这项错误感到十分抱歉,但是与其生气,你还不如应当想象以下这个情况：今天有一个地方在举行葬礼，他们收到了花，还附上一张纸条说：‘恭喜新居落成!’”
2 实验室检查 Laboratory Tests
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child:I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So？Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!
有两个小孩子坐在一间诊疗室外面。其中一个小孩子哭得非常大声。
第二位小孩子说：“你为什么哭呀？”
第一位小孩子说：“我来这里验血呀”
第二位小孩子说：“那又怎样？你害怕呀？”
第一位小孩子说：“不怕呀，又不是那样啦。因为验血的话，他们要割我的手指头啦。”
一听到这么说，第二位小孩子就开始哭了，第一位小孩子就非常惊讶。
第一位小孩子说：“你现在为什幺哭呀？”
第二位小孩子说：“我来这里做尿液检验的啦！”
3 烹饪课 Cooking Class
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Brown was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Brown to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?"I asked. "Because," she replied, "If I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots,I will go nuts!"
一天在上烹饪课的时候，我们的老师布朗太太正在颂扬她：准备完美酱料的秘诀。当她把我们叫到炉子边作准备工作时，她说：“别忘了要用木制的汤匙”。当我在搅拌酱料时，我一直苦思木制汤匙奥秘的背后所隐含的物理原理，然后认定它一定与热传导有关系。
我走向布朗太太来测试我的理论。我问：“为什么要用木制汤匙呢？”她回答：“因为，如果我必须坐在这里听你们全部的金属汤匙砰砰敲着金属的锅子，我会发疯的”。
4 都在这一家 All in the family
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good mostly. A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom, "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault, she talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the bad habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea work on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
八岁大的莎莉从学校把她的成绩报告卡带回家。她的成绩不错，大部分都是A，还有几个B。可是，她的老师在卡片下方写道：“莎莉是个聪明的小女孩，但是她有一个毛病。她在学校太爱讲话。我有一个想法我要来试试看，我认为．这个方法可能会让她改掉这个坏习惯。”莎莉的爸爸签了她的学习报告卡，并在卡片背面写道：“如果你的想法对莎莉很有效，请你让我知道，因为我想要把它试用在她妈妈身上。”
5 拜访医师 The visit to the doctor
A Man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I have never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with woman?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I have never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor," what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
一个男人问他的医师是否认为他会活到一百岁。
医师问这个男人：“你抽烟或喝酒吗？”
他回答说：“不，我从不抽烟喝酒。”
医师问说：“你赌博、开快车、玩女人吗？”
“不，我也从不干那些事情。”
医师说：“那你干吗要活到一百岁呀？”
6 联邦调查局的案件 A case for the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I am calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"OK, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
联邦调查局总部的电话响了。“喂？”
“喂，是联邦调查局吗？”
“是的，有何需要吗？”
“我打电话是要检举我的邻居汤姆。他在他的木柴中藏匿大麻。”
“我们会严加注意的。”次日，联邦调查局来到汤姆的家。
他们搜查了存放木柴的库房，把木柴劈成一块一块，没有找到大麻，就对着汤姆口出秽言，然后离去。
汤姆家的电话响了。
“喂，汤姆，联邦调查局有来你家吗？”
“有呀”“他们有劈你们家的木柴吗？”
“有呀，他们劈了呀。”
“好了，现在换你打电话了，我的菜园需要犁一下啦。”
( From Internet)
问好一帧! 新周快乐!
哈哈,canhe,千万不要去尝试那个诀窍~~~
canhe,周末快乐!
问好fengdaming!
谢谢点评,周末快乐!
南南好!
祝南南周末快乐!
哈哈,闲闲客,难道你也想偷懒~~~
闲闲客,周末快乐!
哈哈,问好娃娃乐! 有时小朋友的翻译别具风味~
娃娃乐,周末快乐!
周末愉快！
问好晴!
晴,周末快乐!
松松周末愉快！
点点好! 干家务敢找调查局的,那胆子也不是一般的大~ 花店的伙计也够幽默的.即使白活,人们也愿意长寿~ 你家早就不奏锅碗瓢盆交响曲了呀~~~
点点,周末快乐!
哈哈,小小,就算我有贼心,也没贼胆啊~~~
小小,周末快乐!
问好尼斯! 希望你不再心烦:)
尼斯,周末快乐!
第6个好玩，松松，我家需要挖几个大坑种树，你帮我打电话给FBI吧 ^o^
松松，周末快乐！
嗯,雪花,什么银都有~
雪花,,周末快乐!
问好贝卡! 很高兴你喜欢这几个:)
3)谁也没想到老师怕吵.
4)这是遗传啊.
6)估计FBI再不会上当了~
贝卡,周末快乐!
#3.Cooking Class: wooden spoons vs. metal spoons;
#4.All in the family: Like mother, like daughter;
#6.A case for the FBI: chop the wood & plow the garden.
问好nycman! 人活百年，自然不是为“赌博、开快车、玩女人”,只是不知道那位医生是怎样想的:)
nycman,周末快乐!
人活百年，不应该为“赌博、开快车、玩女人”吧？