对家暴说不

由 御树林枫 转载 来源： Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

虐待者往往认為自己很独特，真的跟别人很不同，因此不用像其他人一样遵照同样规则。但是虐待者并非独特，他们有很多相同之处，包括他们的思考和行為方式。以下是其中一些特点。

找藉口
虐待者不会為自己的行為承认责任，他只会试图以藉口辩解自己的行為。比如：“我的父母从不爱我”或“我的父母打我”或“我心情很差，而当我走进去看见混乱一片，我便无法控制我的脾气”或“我不能让她那样对我讲话。我没有其他选择”。

谴责
虐待者将罪行的责任从自己转移到别人身上，让他可以辩解他自己的虐待行為，说其实是那个人“促使”他有这行為。比如：「如果我管教孩子的时候你不干涉，我便不用打他们了。」或者他可能说：「她按动我的开关。」这些话是怪责受害者。如果他真的有不同的开关，她便会按动“吸尘”而不是 “打我” 的开关。

重新定义
虐待者会转变谴责的战术，使他可以重新定义环境，让看起来问题不是出於他，而是出於别人，或是外边的世界。比如，虐待者没有照他所说 6 pm 回家吃晚饭；他 4 a.m. 回来。他说：「你真的是很差劲的厨师。我為什麼要回来吃这些垃圾？我打赌孩子们也不吃这些。」

成功的幻想
虐待者相信如果其他人不 “左右” 他，他会有钱、有名或非常成功。他用这个信念去為自己的行為辩解。虐待者也用说话践踏其他人使他自己看似更加优越。

撒谎
虐待者以谎言去控制情况从而控制可取用的资料。虐待者亦使用谎言去使其他人，包括受害者，心理上不平衡。比如，当他撒谎的时候，他表现很诚实的样子；当他说真话的时候，他表现出欺骗的神情；而有时候他在明显的谎言中揭露自己的真正面貌。

以為
虐待者常常以為他们知道其他人的思想或感觉。他们的假设让他们為他们的行為自辩，因為他们以為他们“知道”在某情况下另一个人会怎样想或做。比如，「我早知道你会因我放工后去饮啤酒而发怒，所以我想我最好还是留在外边享受一下。」

超乎规则之上
我们说过虐待者通常相信自己比其他人好，所以无须跟随普通人跟随的规则。这个也是定了罪的罪犯的典型态度。每一个监狱内的囚犯都相信虽然其他囚犯是罪犯，他自己却不是。一个虐待者会显示他的 “超乎规则之上”的想法，比如当他说：「我不需要虐待者介入工作。我跟那些其他男人不同。没有人有权质问我在家所做的事。」

愚弄其他人
虐待者混合战术去操纵其他人。战略包括撒谎使其他人生气，為要看看他或她的反应，并煽动其他人争执。或者，他会试图用魅力应响他想操纵的人，假装有兴趣接触或关心那人，从而得到她或他的欢心。

分割式生活
虐待者通常把虐待行為跟其它生活部份分割。比如，他会虐待家人，但是他并不会虐待外边的人；或者虐待者星期日早晨会到教堂，但是星期日晚上便虐待他的妻子。他不感到他的行為有什麼不一致，相反地，他觉得合理。

轻谈事件
虐待者会试图以某种方法描述事件，使它的严重性看起来较轻，好减少他的责任。比如：「我不是很狼狠的打你」或者「我没有打所有孩子；仅是打其中一个。」

含糊
含糊地思考和说话让虐待者避免责任。比如：「我晚了因為我回家途中要做一些事。」

愤怒
虐待者实际上不一定比其他人更易发怒。但是他们蓄意显得愤怒，目的是控制环境和别人。

强行的把戏
虐待者用不同的战术去强行挑其他人的错。比如，当受害者还在讲话时他便走出房间，或者加大声量盖过受害者的说话，或组织其他家庭成员或相识去“联手”对付受害者，躲开孤立她或批评她。

扮受害者
间中虐待者会假装无助或扮作被迫害，目的是操纵其他人去帮助他。在这情况，虐待者觉得如果他得不到他想要的，他便是受害者；而他使用受害者的假面具去报復或愚弄其他人。虐待者通常声称自己是受害者好让他可以避免在法律上的责任。他可能说她才是有暴力倾向的人。他会展示很明显的自卫伤痕，比如牙齿痕或抓痕，并声称她 “袭击”他。或者他会说她身体上的伤痕是他试图阻止她伤害她自己时造成的。

戏剧性及刺激性的感觉
虐待者通常选择不跟其他人有紧密关係。他们用戏剧性及刺激性的感觉去取代紧密关係。虐待者发现观看其他人生气、争斗、或起骚动十分刺激。通常他们会混合使用前述的不同战术去营造戏剧性及刺激性的形势。

关闭沟通渠道
虐待者不会多讲自己的事和他的真感觉。他亦不想知道关於他自己的新资料，比如其他人怎样看他。他爱藏匿、思想封闭、和自以為义。他相信他在任何情况都是对的。

所有权
虐待者一般有很强的佔有慾。而且，他相信任何他想要的东西都应该是他的，而对於任何他的东西他有权随意对待。他以这种态度对待人和财產。他以这逻辑去合理化控制性的行為、伤害其他人身体、和拿取他人的东西。

自我颂扬
虐待者通常认為自己强壮、优越、独立、自给自足、和很有男子气慨。他心目中的理想男人图像通常是牛仔或冒险家的类型。当任何人讲或做任何不配合他的光荣自我形像的东西，虐待者都视作侮辱。

Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.

Excuse Making

Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."

Blaming

The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person supposedly "caused" his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them." Or he may say, "She pushes my buttons." Statements like this are victim blaming. If he really had buttons she could push, she would push the one that says, "vacuum" instead the one that says, "hit me".

Redefining

In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."

Success Fantasies

The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if only other people weren't "holding me back." He uses this belief to justify his abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making himself look superior.

Lying

The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.

Assuming

Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."

Above the Rules

As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows "above-the-rules" thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need batterer intervention. I'm different than those other men. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family."

Making Fools of Others

The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on her or his good side.

Fragmentation

The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.

Minimizing

The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."

Vagueness

Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."

Anger

Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.

Power Plays

The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.

Playing Victim

Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others. Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she "attacked" him. Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was trying to keep her from hurting herself.

Drama and Excitement

Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.

Closed Channel

The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.

Ownership

The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to them.

Self-glorification

The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy or adventurer type. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.




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