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爱情解密之四十一:MBTI - 了解自己,明白他(她)人(1)

(2006-08-13 15:02:47) 下一个
最近我的大部分时间基本花在对MBTI(Myers Briggs Type Indicator)的研究上。我的目的有两个:一是通过MBTI,找出最佳配对的原则,帮助了解自我,同时洞察和明白他人,理解他或她人的心理模式。二是找出MBTI类型和leadership的关系,这个主要是为将来使用的。现在配对的原则我已经有了雏形,再有2个星期左右就可以全部完成。我把MBTI简化成无需做题,让你可以用很短的时间(半小时之内甚至更短)就判断出自己和对方的大概类型,而且准确率在75%以上。这样做的目的是因为在现实生活中,我们不可能总有机会做题,更难叫所有自己感兴趣的人也去做题目来得到他(她)们的类型。

根据你对他或她的类型判断,再比较你自己的类型,你就可以知道他们是否是你的最佳配对。如果有幸你碰到了,通常情况下,你不需要花太多的时间和功夫就可以把你们两个之间的关系推向到你想要的层次上。就算你们结婚了,问题和麻烦都比其他人要小很多。如果你碰到的类型不是,我也设计出来一整套策略,让彼此双方更了解对方,从而保证你们之间可能产生的矛盾降低到最低点。

过去我一直对性格类型(Personality Typology)不太感兴趣,主要是我认为我的方法可以“打遍天下无敌手”- 对付任何类型的人都没有问题。后来我意识到对于思考能力比较强,比较灵活的人来说,这个可能会比较简单些。但是世界上有很多人是不喜欢思考的(注意这和是否聪明能干没有关系 - 从MBTI类型中可以清楚证明这点)。有一个性格类型做基础和原则,会把问题简化很多,这样受益的人就会更多。

MBTI在中文这个领域并不流行。它是通过五十几年的研究和发展,几千人的试验得到的结果。目前是世界上最流行的性格测试,每年全世界有超过2百万人参加MBTI测试。有很多人都参加过测试,知道自己的类型。绝大多数人只是知道自己的类型而已,这和原来MBTI的创始人之一Isabel Briggs Myers(另一个是她母亲Katharine Cook Briggs)的初衷而言,其实是有非常大的区别的。很简单,光知道自己的类型只能帮助自己更了解自己,可是在现实中,我们必须和他人反复打交道,知道他人的类型能让你更你的人际关系更轻松写意。

爱情更是如此。知道自己的性格,了解自己的需要,同时洞察明白他(她)人,才能让两性关系更加融洽,才能让你更轻松得到你想要的人。

So until next time, 这方面,我会给你们更多的信息。

P.S. “如何钓到你的金龟婿”系列并没有完。我还有最后一篇明天发表。个人认为那才是最重要的。

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amorenlove 回复 悄悄话 I did talk too much about INTJ, but it was more like accidental rather than deliberate, as some people I chose to analyze happened to be INTJs.

Your logic of "if someone is stupid, we don't need to explain about us too much, because he won't be able to understand anyway. If he is smart enough, we don't need to explain either, because he will be smart enough to understand by himself." is typical characteristics of NT types. But you have to understand other types may not understand what's in your mind – your logic and rationale behind if you don't tell them precisely. This probably has little to do with their intelligence but the ways they perceive and judge. That's reason why I wrote some articles about personality development. You can't give yourself an excuse that because you're INT_ or any other types, you're just being yourself so you expect others instead of yourself to change. This doesn't fit in the reality.

What you can do is to check http://amorenlove.com/16_types_1.html, especially looking at how you respond under the stress. It's usually the best way to determine your type if you’re not quite sure. I only listed some but all characteristic responses to stress for each type. But it's enough to get clues about your real type.

Thanks for sharing your story with me. Many things in this world have logic and rational explanations but it doesn’t necessarily mean they're realistically correct. We can't use logic or rationality to judge everything, even in science, needless to say our emotions or affection. What you need to do is to train yourself, I mean your intuition, more specifically, to back up what you think so that you can avoid "logic but stupid." I have to repeat myself: other types are totally different in this regard.

Anyone who wants to get their desired target must open themselves up. Again use your thinking and intuition as backup to choose how much you will believe them. Loose yourself up a bit – turn down your NT preference, when necessary in your love life. You may get hurt but this can help you grow stronger eventually. I do believe that's the price all of us should pay in order to achieve a real maturity.
passone 回复 悄悄话 Your deion for INT* is precise,

typo. sorry.
passone 回复 悄悄话 Sorry for the late reply, didn't log in for a while.. was away for a trip.:-)
Thanks for your information. Your analysis looks thorough for me.

indeed what you said is pretty true. Here are some of my observations. INT* are generally too rational and poor in communication skills of love with their partners. Especially when making seemly "tough or logical" decisions, they'd rather follow their intuition or their mind rather than their heart. For instance, I always have to struggle on the problem of "follow the mind or follow the heart". The problem gets even worse due to a lack of motivation to explain their intentions or actions to other people (due to introvert and thinking). This is because deep down most INT* are rather impatient with those who are not intelligent enough (according to the INT* standard). The logic goes like this: if someone is stupid, we don't need to explain about us too much, because he won't be able to understand anyway. If he is smart enough, we don't need to explain either, because he will be smart enough to understand by himself. Of course, as a consequence, it can create a lot of misunderstandings between INT* and the outside world, which might give an unexpected tensions to their relationships. INT* realize it but still find it hard to change, and it makes them seem to be "inhumane".

It is true that it's very difficult for INT* to really fall in love with someone. Partly due to their perfectionism nature and their "critical" criteria of a perfect partner. Ironical, INT* are not the most perfect partners themselves.. :p.. INT* can easily gave the impression of being ego-centric. However, I don't agree for 100%. I think what we are really interested in is anything or anyone that can reflect THE EGO of us, or in other words, that can improve the EGO of us. (Think about future and self-development, in your words ;-))

Your deion for INT* is precise, namely "critical, suspicious and analytical". I still doubt though if they are really the natural enemies for romantic love. Being rational could be good sometimes for love, i guess.....Nevertheless, I've heard of similar advice/comments several times already. Friends of mine got wondering if i could stop thinking or being too analytical just for a while. It's like a processor running at a high speed all day long while trying to keep cool but still hard preventing from being over-heated at certain point of time. And once INT* get "system over-heated", they tend to become even more "critical" to themselves or to others in order to repress the fear of losing control....Other issues such as hard to trust others, or highly cynical are also true to my opinion. INT* have complex characters indeed :p Well, as every coin has two sides, these also make INT* so unique.

Thanks for the hint of "guard your heart". I guess mostly the problem lie in ""guard your heart too much". :p Though INT* are smart enough to hide their doubts, how to learn to believe in others and open the heart is a question i'd like to learn.:-)

To end, share a small story with you. One day an old wise friend of mine shows some funny maths proofs to me. These proofs are logically perfect but in fact totally wrong and meaningless. The conclusion is, sometimes we could be purely rational and logical, but in fact stupid as hell. "Logical but stupid", that's what the INT* should try to avoid.


PS, a small question concerning you. I noticed that INTJ appears more frequently than other types in your articles. Apparently you have special interests in INTJ type. Do you mind to tell me what's the reason? Are you or your partner from INTJ? Hope the questions are not too much privacy violating for you. :)
amorenlove 回复 悄悄话 Some clarifications need to be made. I don't oppose to think, even think very thoughtfully when necessary in love. As a matter of fact, whatever we’re thinking or feeling types, our brain never stops thinking. The problem is people like INTJs or INTPs usually thinking too much. It's unnecessary and definitely kills romance. Besides, they're usually thinking about themselves and the future. Note this is not selfishness.

I'm not suggesting you shouldn't be cautious. In English, people often use "guard your heart" to express the same meaning. However, "guard your heart" is to put yourself in an unconscious state of defense. The assumption behind this is that you will be hurt, or at least you may be hurt now or in the future. That’s reason why you would need to guard in the first place. Sooner or later, you let your guard down gradually, and completely succumb to their charm. Most people act like this way; when and how you let your guard down depend on your perception of their seriousness and sincerity.

That's probably why many of love stories wind up with the heartbroken. Only will changing your mindset increase your chance of success in love.
amorenlove 回复 悄悄话 What an insightful observation for the type match! INTPs or INTJs are usually the most intelligent type in all types. No wonder you can get it quickly. I already explained it on the website that people should treat it as reference. Having said that, however, it's much more complex than what you and other people read from there. Therefore, please don't just interpret it as what it appears to you.

Our society has many gender biases that a certain gender should follow certain behaviors. For example, men will be considered weak when they're crying. This makes so difficult to those Thinking females and Feeling males because traditionally, men are supposed to be manly - logical and impersonal, while women are supposed to be girly – sympathetic and tender-hearted. To a large extent, it could confuse those people with their true identities. They have to adjust their behaviors to fit in those biases and stereotypes. You probably have strong feelings for what I said. To truly accept who you're is always very important.

There is no difference between men and women in terms of their best match. You should understand the majority of who we're come from the education from society and others, especially from our parents. Type is about our preferences. Thus, Feeling person can be very logical too; similarly Thinking person can be very sympathetic. What I'm suggesting you is that you need to step out of the traditional way to see people.

Either INTPs or INTJs usually have poor skills in love. They tend to be too serious and rigid when they're searching their mates. What they're most interested is usually not any person, but their work and themselves, for advance or improvement. They use too much of their head instead of their heart in search for love. I've talked too much about INTJ in amorenlove.wordpress.com. You can use the search function over there to search what you want.

When you use your head too much, it will be difficult to find what you're looking for because you become critical, suspicious and analytical. These are the natural enemies for romantic love. Let's try a different way to explain it to you. You will be naturally attracted to a typical Feeling man, but when you use your head to analyze it, you will reject him because you've been TOLD (by society and others) they're not strong enough, and more importantly, it's against your inner version of perfect mate. I should admit that it's difficult for INTJs or INTPs to fall in love with anyone. Another blind spot you need to pay attention to is that try not to jump in a conclusion too quickly. In most cases, you really don't know who he is, especially when you rarely train your intuition to trust what you see and hear.

I know Enneagram, not too much though. Again, you can search what I talked about it in amorenlove.wordpress.com. Enneagram is just another personality test, in my opinion, and it's more like astrology. Psychological type is much more profound and insightful. What you can get from psychological type is much much more than Enneagram, or any other personality instruments.

Don't you agree I've already known love way too much…lol. Anyway, any comments are very welcome. Thanks for your compliments!
passone 回复 悄悄话 Thanks for your interesting reply:-) I have just a small remark, according to your matching, an T type will probably get interested in a F type. Maybe it is true for T-male to F-female match. However, sometimes I heard many of the T type female, including myself could hardly bare an F type male, while T females feel attracted by T males. Mostly T type think F type are not rational enough but too emotional, especially for an F-male.
Seems that your matching follows certain general rules: T-F, S-S, N-N, E-I, P-J. Isn't it too simple and too general to categorize people's matching in this way? Besides, there should be a distinction between the love-taste of male and female.....at this point, the version of Alexander Avila presents a novel approach.

I've heard of another personality theory Enneagram (the nine personality type), you could find an interesting "Enneagram Compatibility Combinations" on this webiste:

http://www.enneagraminstitute.com/matrix.asp

If you like to do research on matching of personality types, why not think of the combination approach of Enneagram and MBTI? (Sorry cannot give more professional remarks, my major is completely different than psychology.;-) i'm somewhere in beween INTP and INTJ, and like theorectial discussions....)

In all, your work looks great and interesting. Hope you don't mind of my armature remarks, and it would be nice to keep on with the discussions.
amorenlove 回复 悄悄话 First of all, thanks!

I actually read this book before. Unfortunately, this is not the book I would recommend. This book borrows a lot of ideas from Temperament theory of Dr. David Keirsey, and also separately talks about E&I, F&T, S&N, P&J to characterize people. I won't say this is incorrect, but this is not real MBTI. You can check the related articles in Decoding Love.

His ideas about type match, however, contradict with Temperament theory. This is something you should take a close look at. According to the author, Alexander Avila, for example, your type is ESFP, then your ideal match is ESTP, if you're a woman; your match is ISFP if you're a man. From my experience, along with Temperament theory (Dr. David Keirsey has many years experience in marriage counseling), ESFP matching with either ESTP or ISFP is a poor match. This kind of relationship usually leads to overspending, indecisiveness and boredom. You can visit here: http://amorenlove.com/love_matchability.html to understand what is the ideal type for ESFP.

Secondly, this book is very unpopular in the west (ranked #200,000 over on sales rank at amazon.com), because it has so many flaws. I should admit that Avila raised many interesting points and to a certain degree it's a useful book, but it's not the book you should use as Bible to guide your love. When you read this book, therefore, you need to be careful what information you can borrow.

Another flaw is the short-version test to get your type. It's not very accurate though. Anyone who writes this kind of book shouldn't use any test to get the type, or create a better test to get a more accurate result. The reason being is that you can't type people by a test if he or she is your desired target. If you guys are in a relationship, a better test is necessity.

There are too many misconceptions to understand psychological type or MBTI in Chinese. So far I haven't found any Chinese website that can interpret MBTI in comprehensive and insightful manners. Maybe you can help me to get one...
passone 回复 悄悄话 hi, like your articles a lot. here is a book recommend for you:
http://book.sina.com.cn/nzt/16lovetypes/
it is my handbook ;-) guess you will like too.
good luck! looking forward to more of your articles...
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