女儿从小生性胆小，不像其他孩子那么活泼大胆。记得在她一岁左右，我弟弟碰巧有机会来广州看我们。然而女儿见到这么一个陌生高大的男子，第一反映是哭，哭哭停停，后来干脆哭个不停，搞得我弟弟最后都不敢进门。两岁多送她去幼儿园，拉尿不敢跟老师说，就拉在裤裆里，几次中午接她回家，裤裆是湿的。

快三岁时，我带她漂洋过海，来投奔先我们而来的先生。刚来的前几年，我没有身份，没有工卡，不会开车，后来学开车又出了状况，比平常的人要晚一些时间上路，所以一直呆在家里，白天带孩子，晚上上学。那段时间应该是我们娘俩相处最多最宝贵的时光。可是，长在红旗下、接受着“女子能顶半边天”教育的我，不安心呆在家里“碌碌无为”。后来在dotcom风光无限好的日子里学炒股票。早晨6：30起床，盯着滚动的电脑屏幕看，女儿起床后，给她弄点吃的，然后常常留她一个人坐在看电视，以为我自己在做着更重要的事。刚开始时，钱是赚到了一些，可2000-2001年股市风云变幻，股票泡沫破裂，还没来不及抽身，已灰飞烟灭。赚的钱全赔进去不说，本也赔了不少，留下每年三千块的loss在IRS的税单上连连出现。其实人生何尝不是如此，忙忙碌碌一场空。当时看起来重要的事，再回首时，不再重要，当年忽略了的事，再追忆，后悔不已。

等到女儿的英文跟上以后，三岁多了，觉得该送她出去上幼儿园，学会跟小朋友打交道。先是送到家附近的一家kindercare，没想到，她哭得厉害，老师也是一个看上去凶凶的胖女人。每次接她，只见她两眼汪汪，红红的。老师跟我说，她时不时地哭，让她很惊讶的是，她居然能说出家里的电话号码，让老师打电话给我，好让我去接她回家。后来，看她一直没什么好转，就想换一家，送到社区办的Tiny Tots这种半正式的幼儿班，这种班只有半天，只有一个老师，需要家长做义工，带食物。送去后，又是哭，哭了两天，第三天老师就不容商量地跟我说，你女儿没有ready，她们没有人手特别照顾她，所以她必须退出，否则影响其他同龄的同学。只记得那天中午，在走回家的路上，我憋了一肚子的火，终于爆发了。我冲着她骂，“妈妈跟你说了多少遍，就一个上午，妈妈就接你回家了。你为什么哭，你有什么好哭的，为什么别的小朋友可以，你不行？” 我越说越生气，最后气急败坏的我气沖冲地走在前面，留下女儿一个人，踩这那辆小自行车在后面，边追，边哭。

这一幕今日回想起来还在眼前。其实，我的孩子那时候就是没有ready，不管我心气多高，她就是需要更多的时间，去适应，去调整。事实证明，半年后，我再送她去时，她就没有再哭。而我那时就是不能接受自己的小孩被人家退学的现实，以为有多严重，孩子有多没用。为什么我没有从另一个角度想想，这里的老师有没有责任？两岁多在广州幼儿园就没有出现过这种情况，来这以后，还念念不忘那儿的邓老师。

每个孩子不同，性格不同，长短不同，如果说，孩子天生胆小，个性不够好，那也是我这个做母亲的没有给她生好, 或是三岁之前没有给她带好，要说有错，错在我。我为什么不能再耐心些，再给她点时间, 而不是冲着她发火？再退一步，即便我的孩子不被认可，那又有什么了不起的？我母亲曾经说过，我小时候也是个很胆小的孩子，带我走亲访友，脚还没有踏进门槛，嘴先张开哭起来。那又如何呢？岁月的这把磨刀，还不是把我练成今日这样一个“女汉子”？

谁都是初为人母, 谁都会有过失，而总是有做的好的母亲，因为她们懂得，养孩子的过程也是一个母亲自身修身养性，修炼的过程，学会耐心再耐心。而我没有做好，也没有机会重来。

My daughter was born with a sensitive personality and was a crying baby when she was little. Raising her up exhausted me to some extent, and my patience was tested time and time again.

When she was almost three, I brought her with me to join my husband, who found a job here in the U.S. Like most Chinese immigrants, we have been through some hard time when I did not have the green card and cannot work. From being a full-time teacher to a stay-at-home mom, I was at a loss. I remember that quite often I left her with TVs in the mornings , while I was sitting in front of the computer watching and trading stocks. Then the dot-com bubble busted, and all the money invested along with the gains were dumped to the sea. That's life. When you think you were striving for something important, you actually ended up with nothing, but regret.

Then came the time when I decided to send my daughter out to kindergarten. At first, we tried the nearby Kindercare, but she cried so hard each and every day that  I had to transfer her out to a program called Tiny Tots in the community center. Nevertheless, her crying continued. On the third day, the teacher told me that my daughter had to leave the class, as she was not ready, and that they didn't have extra hands to take care of her individually. I was frustrated and desperate for an explanation why she could not handle it like all the other kids at her age. That day, on the way home, I exploded in rage at her, walked briskly at front, leaving her behind crying and pedaling hard in her bike to catch a furious mom.

Looking back, I know I owed her an apology. If there is anyone to blame, I am the person, not her. Parenting is a processs of a mother nurturing herself, and asks for arts and maximum patience. I am not the one who lives up to the expectation, and I have no chance to correct the mistake as the time fleets irreversibly.