1 魔鬼的血/The Blood of the Devil Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day，enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is the blood of the devil!” Now Arthur gets annoyed about this，and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?" "My Mother Superior told me so.” "But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?" "Don’t be ridiculous，of course I have never taken alcohol myself.” "Then let me buy you a drink，if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.” "How could I，a Nun，sit outside this public house drinking?!” "I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you , then no one will know.” The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a vodka,” then he lowers his voice and says to the barman，"and could you put the vodka in a teacup?" "Oh no! It’s not that bloody Nun again，is it?" 一天，亚瑟正坐在当地酒吧的外面，享受着啤酒的美味，逍遥自得。这时一个修女突然出现在他的桌前，开始谴责饮酒所带来的罪恶。 “年轻人。你应该为你自己而感到耻辱!喝酒是一种罪过!酒精就像是魔鬼的鲜血!” 这时亚瑟感到有些厌烦就开始辩解:“大姐你是怎么知道的?” “我们修道院的院长这么告诉我的。” “但是你自己从来没有喝过，你怎么就知道你说的是正确的呢?” “别开玩笑了，我自己当然没有沾过酒了。” “那么我请你喝一杯吧。如果你尝过之后还是那么认为，我就一生不再饮酒。” “我，一个修女，怎么能这样做?坐在酒吧外面喝酒?!” “我会叫服务员把酒倒在茶杯里的，没有人会知道。” 那个修女极其不情愿地同意了。然后亚瑟走进了酒吧。 “再给我来一杯啤酒和一杯伏特加”，他压低他的嗓音对服务员说，“你能不能把伏特加酒倒在一个茶杯里?” “噢，天哪!是不是那个‘魔鬼之血’的修女又来骗酒喝了?” 2 讲出故事的结尾 The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned，her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and them…” Sonny’s mother held up his hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me. " The father came home. As he walked into the house，his wife said，"I' m leaving you. I' m packing now and I' m leaving you.” "But why--"asked the startled father. "Go ahead，Sonny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.” "Well, " Sonny said，"I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when Daddy was away last summer." 一个女人离开家两天，到另一个城市去看望一个生病的朋友。当她回来的时候，她的小儿子见到她就说:“妈妈，你猜怎么着?昨天我在你卧室的衣柜里玩，爸爸和隔壁的阿姨走进了卧室，他们脱了衣服上了你的床……” 小家伙的妈妈抓住他的手说:“不要讲了，等到你爸爸回家了，你就把和我讲的全部讲给他听。”孩子的爸爸回来了。当他走近房间的时候他的妻子说:“我要离开你。我现在就收拾行李，我要走了。” “但是，这是为什么?”父亲吃惊地问。 “讲给他听，儿子，把你告诉我的讲给他听听。” “好吧，”那个小家伙说，“我正在你卧室的衣柜里玩的时候，爸爸和隔壁的阿姨上楼来，然后他们脱了衣服上了床。然后，他们就像是去年夏天爸爸不在家时你和约翰叔叔一样。” 3 上天堂还是下地狱 Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was. First, they went to Heaven. All nice guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes. "Let' s go to Hell，”they said to each other. Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time. Back from Hell，the guys were asked to choose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell. Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a subsurface car and driven to a coalmine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working. "What' s this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different. " "Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants. " 两个家伙死了之后，被允许选择是愿意呆在天堂还是地狱。他们提出能否到两个地方先观光一下，他们被允许了。首先他们来到了天堂。这里都是穿着白衣服看上去很正派的人，他们坐在白云上弹奏着竖琴。他们想:这是个多无聊的地方呀。 “让我们下地狱吧，”他们互相商量着。 他们来到了地狱，这里简直是一番完全不同的景色。那里有酒吧、赌场和游乐园。每个人都可以免费喝酒，所有的人都享受着他们真正的快乐时光。当他们从地狱回来以后，他们不得不在天堂和地狱之间做出选择。最后，他们都选择了下地狱。 回到了地狱之后，他们立即被送进了一辆矿井车的后座，然后驶向了一个煤矿井。有人给他们每人一个铲子，叫他们开始工作。 “这是怎么回事?上次我们在这里的时候完全不是这样的。” “是的，但是那时你们是游客，现在你们是移民。” 4 童话故事/Fairy tale After watching the movie Cinderella, my five-year-old daughter started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was fairy godmother. "Make three wishes." She told me, "and I'll grant them." I first asked world peace. She swung her wand and proclaimed my request fulfilled. My next wish was to cure all the sick children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, she obliged. Since I am a somewhat large woman, my third wish was not a surprise. "I wish to have a trim figure again," I announced. My 'fairy godmother' started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed. 看了《灰姑娘》的电影后，我那5岁的女儿开始用玩具风车当魔棍，扮演起童话中的教母来。“许下三个愿望吧，”她对我说：“我会让你如愿以偿的。” 我先是许下了世界和平的愿望，她摇晃着魔棍，然后对我说祈求如愿了。 我的下一个愿望是让所有生病的儿童都康复，她像上次那样摇晃着魔棍，然后让我说出最后一个愿望。因为我现在发了福，所以我的第三个愿望也是不足为奇的。“我希望我能重新有个苗条的身材。” 我那童话教母开始用力的摇晃着她的魔术棍，嘴上还振振有词地说：“要想实现这个愿望我需要更大的魔力。” 5 你会怎么办？ Son： Mum, if someone broke your best vase, what would you do? Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper! Son： Well, you' d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it! 儿子：妈妈，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你会怎么办? 妈妈：我要揍他，还不让他吃晚饭就去睡觉! 儿子：好了，你准备好拖鞋吧，爸爸刚把那只花瓶摔碎了。 6 真正的算命先生/A Real Fortune-teller While Milgrom waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune. He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: "You weigh 195 pounds, you're married and you're on your way to San Diego." Milgrom stood there dumbfounded. Another man put in a quarter and the computer read："You weigh 184 pounds, you're divorced and you're on your way to Chicago." Milgrom was amazed. Then he rushed to the men's room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: "You still weigh 195 pounds, you're still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego!" 米尔格鲁姆在机场等待登机的时候，注意到了一个电脑秤，它既能称体重又能算命。 他把一个两毛五的硬币丢进电脑秤的一个小孔里，电脑屏幕上显示出这样一行字：“你的体重是195磅，你已经结婚，你将要去往圣地亚哥。”米尔格鲁姆顿时站在那里发起了愣。 又有一个人过来了， 他也把硬币丢进电脑秤里，屏幕上显示：“你的体重是184磅，你已经离婚了，你将要去往芝加哥。” 米尔格鲁姆很是惊讶。于是，他冲进洗手间，换了一套衣服，戴上了墨镜，又一次走到电脑称前。这次屏幕上显示：“你的体重依然是195磅，你依然是个结了婚的人。只是你刚刚错过飞往圣地亚哥的飞机。” |
