1 神父时间/Father Time

The last time we changed from daylight saving time, a preacher friend posted, “For those who habitually show up 15 minutes late to church, allow me to remind you that tonight is the night you set your clock back 45 minutes.”

上次我们从夏令时改回时间时，一个牧师朋友说道，“对于那些习惯性地迟到15分钟到教堂的人，请允许我提醒你，今晚您将时钟拨回45分钟。”

2 按照你的方式分半/Half It Your Way   

The food at the sandwich shop I frequent is good, but any deviation from the norm throws the staff. I once told a clerk that I wanted only half a sandwich. His reply: “What am I going to do with the other half?” A week later, when I told another clerk the same thing, she responded, “Do you want the top or the bottom?”

我经常去的三明治店的食物不错，但是与规范的不同的任何变化也让工作人员不知所措。一次我告诉一个店员，我只想要半个三明治。他答道：“那另一半我该怎么办呢？”一个星期后，当我告诉另一个店员同样的事情时，她回答说：“你要顶部还是底部呢？”

3 扩大库存/Expanding Inventory   

I spotted several pairs of men’s Levi’s at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head.

“I’m still wearing the 33s,” he said. “Come back next year.”

我发现几条男人的李维斯牌子的裤子在车库出售。他们的号码分别是30，31，和32，但我一直在寻找33的。于是，我问主人他是否有一条33的。他摇了摇头。

“我仍然穿着33号，”他说。“你明年再来”。

4 我被抓到了/IGotBusted

Jimmy Fallon asked his viewers to tweet #IGotBusted and share the most embarrassing times they got caught.

“I was on Facebook at work, and my boss walked up. I slammed down what I thought was my laptop screen, but it was actually my desktop ?monitor.”

“I lied and told my dad school was canceled. He said, ‘Let’s go see a movie.’ We got in the car, and he dropped me off at school.”

“I was Facebooking in church, and the usher passed by and whispered, ‘You better be texting Jesus.’”

吉米法伦请他的观众微博“我被抓到了”并分享他们被抓的最尴尬片刻。

“我在上班的时候登陆了脸书，我的老板走过来。我砰的一声扳倒了我以为是我的笔记本电脑的屏幕，但它实际上是我的桌面显示器”。

“我撒了谎，告诉我的爸爸学校取消了。他说，“我们去看电影。”我们赶紧上车，然后他就把我送到了学校里。”

“我在教堂里上脸书，引座员走了过来并低声说：’你最好给耶稣发短信'。”

5 一个收垃圾的职业/A Trashy Career   

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” ?I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbage man,” ?he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays.”

“贵公子决定当他长大时想成为什么了吗？”我问我的朋友。

“他想成为一个收垃圾的人，”他回答。

“在这样一个年轻的年龄这是一个不寻常的野心。”

“不是真的。他认为，垃圾工人只在星期二工作。”

6 智商高得都没法买/An I.Q. Too High to Buy   

A scientist tells a pharmacist, “Give me some prepared tablets of acetylsalicylic acid.”

“Do you mean aspirin?” asks the pharmacist.

The scientist slaps his forehead. “That’s it!” he says. “I can never remember the name.”

一位科学家告诉药剂师，“给我一些乙酰水杨酸的片剂。”

“你的意思是阿司匹林吗？”药剂师问。

科学家掴他的前额。 “就是它！”他说。 “我永远记不住这个名字。”